Just in case I am hit by a bus tomorrow. Let me say thanks!

Christina worked for a man who had an envelope labeled "hit by a bus" on the outside. I never saw it but assumed it had all the important financial stuff in there along with personal messages to his family just in case he wasn't able to say goodbye.

So, just in case I get hit by a bus tomorrow I wanted to leave a public note thanking the people that have helped C and I so much through our journey this year. I won't use last names and sometimes only an initial to protect your privacy. So let me me say thank you to:

K-you have been an angel in our lives since C met you. I don't ever take for granted all of the wonderful generosity you have shown over the past few years. You are amazing!

Mo and Bill- since meeting you in Capri, our life is better. Period.You are the classiest couple I have ever met. I don't have many heroes in my life but Billy O' is one of them. Every time we think of you, laughter and smiles follow. Especially the stories of your French lessons!!!

Jo- You are solid. Rock solid. You are always there when we need something. We love you.

Den and Lea- you have been so supportive and generous since day one of the cancer journey. We cannot thank you both enough. The keys were epic!

Annie-They say that laughter is the best medicine. Well, if you could bottle your sparkling personality, then millions of people would be cured of disease. And boredom. You really do light up a room!

In laws- I know the news of your daughter being diagnosed with breast cancer was a shot to the gut but you both have been very so helpful. Anytime we need something, the answer is yes. That means a lot to the both of us.

Rosie- your daily prayers were answered!  I love hearing from you and hope all is well with you:)

TPG peeps- Wow, the fact that C still loves to go to work each day is huge. It's been a big part of her recovery. T, Tricia, Jimmy, Maggie, MP, Eva and many more-you are the bestest!

CS- you have been very supportive to C and I. We cannot wait for opening day 2016 so we can celebrate with you and the gang. It's our favorite day of the year. No kidding!

C's cousins and Aunts/Uncle- the love you have poured from your heart towards Christina has been incredible. I know now why she is so blessed to have all of you in her life.

Nieces- We love you to pieces! Thanks for making Nina laugh and smile.

Asao- You make C happy when you text or email her. Don't stop...

Tom M- You and your family have been in our lives for 15 years now. Thanks for all of the notes of support. You are a bedrock of stability and have always been so thoughtful and generous.

Mirella- You are so graceful and beautiful. You are like an aunt to Christina. We love you so much!

This is far from a complete list but I wanted to put it out there for all to see. Oh, and if I actually DO get hit by a bus tomorrow, can someone please take Christina to her surgery on the 21st. I will be permanently unavailable it seems:)

Extra! Extra! Extra! Read all about it...

I hope all of your Thanksgiving holidays were fulFILLING (get it?)..Sorry, I could not resist.

Christina is continuing to inspire and amaze every day. She is gaining strength and endurance with each passing day. She ran "double days" on both Saturday and Sunday which is 14 miles per day split between two separate runs. Pretty amazing stuff for Cancer kid!

Her hair is growing back slowly but steadily and hopefully within a couple months, she can start wearing a natural short hair style to work. I know she is gonna rock that look and surprise a few people who never knew she was even sick over the past 10 months. Think Mexican Demi Moore. But hotter..

Reconstructive surgery is scheduled for December 21st in SF.  I know she is good hands at UCSF but a few positive thoughts and prayers that day would be appreciated. Try to say sane during the holiday rush and remember that we are all blessed!

BP

I have lots to be thankful for!

With the glutenous holidays right around the corner, I thought I would share my personal list of things that I am thankful for this year:

-I am so thankful for the staff at UCSF that have been so great to Christina during her battle with breast cancer. You are literally life savers!
-I am so thankful that I have a bad ass for a wife. So strong and tough and courageous. She has helped me more than she will ever know. Oh, and she is beautiful on top of that. And funny. And smart. You get the idea, right?:)
-I am thankful for my new job. It's the 1st time in nearly a decade that I have felt like I was part of a winning team. I just returned from the National Sales Meeting and I am excited to kick some butt!!
-Christina and I are thankful for the all of the relatives and friends who have been so supportive over the past ten months during our journey. Being alone sucks but being alone during something like this? I don't want to think about someone having to endure that ever...
-I am thankful for all of the angels in our lives. We are spending this weekend with one of them celebrating life. I expect to smile, laugh and have a hangover.
-I am thankful that our niece has really committed to her first teaching job. The children in her classroom will never forget the time they spent with her.
-I am thankful that Christina gets to avoid radiation. She will be starting a hormone replacement therapy soon and I will update all of you on her progress.
-I am thankful that Christina's strength is returning and that she is once again enjoying her passion of running. Two weeks ago, she ran 45 miles in seven days and felt great!
-I am thankful that pizza. Every damn day of my life!
-I am thankful for all of you that read this blog and have encouraged me to continue. It makes me feel good that you care enough to take the time to read this stupid thing..

Remember that we are all blessed. Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving.

BP

I saw my reflection in the mirror today (at a pizza parlor, actually)

It's funny how things work out in life. When you are feeling down, it is inevitable that you hear about or run into someone in a tougher situation. I think it God's way of setting us straight and telling us that we are not alone in our struggles. We all struggle.

What started out as a lunch date turned into an eye opening and emotional teachable moment. The "moment" came at a pizza joint in Lafayette and not in a church or classroom. It's no secret that Christina and I like food and drink. Our DVR is filled with cooking and food related travel shows. It's who we are and have been as a couple. We feel most comfortable sitting down to a few foodie shows after dinner and then calling it a night. It's appropriate that I saw my reflection while slugging down a slice and a beer.

His name is Randy. My given name is Randolph not Butch. Only teachers called me Randy. We are both in our 50's and we both have spent time behind a bar slinging drinks and making conversation. We are both good at the gift of gab. And, most importantly, we are both caring for our wives who are battling serious diseases. His wife has MS. Mine has breast cancer. Randy felt comfortable enough with us that he opened about the struggles of caring for someone by yourself. We never shared our cancer journey with Randy. It wasn't important. He needed to vent and we were there to listen and affirm that he is doing the Lord's work. It was clear to both of us that Randy's passion is to care for his bride. Mine is the same. I sell glue to bring home money but making sure Christina's coffee is hot and tasty is how I start each day. I end each day laying down with the love of my life. Randy does the same.

Randy was quick to note that he is lucky. "I knew the teenager that was involved in that fatal crash last week. She lost her two friends on a joyride." Even in the midst of physical, emotional and financial chaos, Randy realizes that he is blessed. He gave us a great gift today. He also gave me a glimpse of who I am and what is important in life. I saw my reflection today and liked what I saw. Except for the string of cheese hanging off my mouth. I could have done without that.

Calm before the storm

El Nino is here and is supposed to kick our butts this winter! It has already brought torrential rains and mudslides to Southern CA. There is a large school of great white sharks that were seen outside the Golden Gate and puffer fish found in Monterey Bay. It all points to a nasty winter this year. The weather currently in Pleasant Hill is fantastic (cool mornings, clear skies, warm afternoons and cool nights). It's Christina and my favorite time of the year. But just around the corner...

It's the same for Christina and her recovery from surgery and chemotherapy. Instead of rain and snow, we are expecting hormone replacement therapy, physical therapy from lymphedema and a slight chance of radiation. This will be followed by reconstructive surgery. We don't when the storm is coming. We just know it is coming.

She continues to amaze me and her doctors. Last week, she ran approximately 45 miles. My back aches when I drive 45 miles! Seriously! While I limp around and go to chiropractors and acupuncturist to treat my bones and sinewy muscles, Christina bounces around and says that she is blessed. She is not just saying it, either.

I need to get myself in shape and quick! If the winter is close to what the "experts" are saying, I need to quick and nimble during the storms. I don't want to end up like some of the less fortunate members of the Donner Party.

Back to "normal"

Christina and I have been home for a few days following a relaxing and fun vacation in Florida. Two of our good friends hosted us for a milestone birthday in the keys. They are angels that stand beside us in our journey. For a handful of days, we didn't have to deal with cancer and everything that goes along with it. So, we are back to normal. Whatever that means..

Normal for Christina? Painful left arm that is some times unbearable yet she rarely takes pain medication. Swelling and pain near the surgery area from adhesion and scar tissue from her mastectomy.The inflator device inside her has been very painful as well. Oh yeah, her wig that she dubbed "Felicia," leaves indentations in her head from the constant pressure of wearing it. Through it all, she just deals with it and shrugs " I am blessed." Normal also includes five toe nails falling out in a 24 hour period after we got back home. She tried very hard to keep them attached and painted so no one would notice. They finally gave out and it looks like a few more will succumb to the side effects of the chemotherapy she took earlier this year.

Normal also means doctors visits. Yesterday was bone density scan. Today she meets with plastic surgeons for her reconstructive surgery in November. More doctor visits in the near future so she can start her hormone replacement therapy.

There are some good things happening: She is running on a regular basis and her strength is coming back. Her hair is growing back as well. I cannot wait until it's the same length as mine so we can take some funny pictures... That will feel normal to me. Since February, normal hasn't been associated with anything positive in our lives. That's changing now.

Can I vent for a minute?

-I'm angry that Christina still has cancer.
-I'm upset that she went through 16 rounds of chemotherapy and it wasn't 100% effective
-I'm pissed that innocent little kids have to battle the disease. I wish cancer would leave them alone
-My back is fricking killing me and it's my fault
-It's 6 am on a Saturday and I cannot sleep
-I look at today's world and I am sad. People are being slaughtered like cattle for what they believe in. Why can't all of those murderous sub humans just disappear?
-I want Christina to be able to run....today!

We're all terminal

I know that you don't like to think about death that much. It's uncomfortable to think that you won't be around forever. But none of us walking around today are leaving this place alive. I am 100% certain of that. We are, in fact, all terminal.

Do you have a "bucket list?"  Have you ever written down the things that you really want to do or accomplish before your hour glass runs out of sand? I have to admit that I have thought about it but never committed my thoughts to paper and pen. Until now...

When you are faced with the reality that you or your loved one might not collect a social security check, your life changes.Things that you thought were important lose significance. Other things become more important. I used to live and breath golf. It was nothing for me to drive two hours to Monterey, play 18 holes, eat lunch and head home. Leave at 430 am and be home by 3 pm. You couldn't pay me to do that now. The most meaningful thing to me now is to spend time with Christina. A glass of "bubbles" or sharing a pizza with beer is more enjoyable than playing Cypress Point, believe me. Having dinner with friends beats a round at Pebble Beach every time. Eating oysters at Tomales Bay with her and Buddy? Better than Augusta! OK, maybe not. If anyone wants to get me on Augusta, I am totally there...:)

So what's on your bucket list? Is there someone that you have been meaning to reach out to but haven't? Do it! Clean off your to-do list. I'm not talking about your regular to-do list. I mean the one with important stuff. The floors can wait a day. Cut through all the clutter in your mind and drill down to "the nuggets" of your life. Do it today, please. And let me know if you have an "in" to Augusta, OK?

She is my super hero!

My super hero doesn't have a cape or wear a mask. She wears a gown and a surgical hat and stares down cancer. She has no fear and is drop dead gorgeous! How does your super hero stack up to that???? Thought so..

It's great to hear from you.......but...

Christina is doing well. She is definitely sore from the surgery but not in severe pain. The best way to describe it is that she was in a car accident. The first day after the surgery/accident, you are a little sore. The next couple days? Everything starts to ache. She currently is only taking Ibuprofen for pain and doesn't want or need anything stronger.

I have a favor to ask: While I really appreciate many of you reaching out to me to check on her condition-I really do-why don't you call, text, or email her directly? Again, your many words of encouragement have been great and they lift me up when I hear from you. But I don't have cancer-she does...Sometimes I forget to let her know that you have sent me a message or that I spoke to you. So if you don't have her cell#, ask me. I will give it to you. If you don't have her primary email, ask me. If you are friends on Facebook, send her an inbox message.

Don't feel weird about contacting her directly. She is in a good place. She is still feisty and has an attitude. And YES, she still has her great sense of humor. That never goes away, thank God. Have a great weekend and remember that we are all blessed:)

A prayer for Christina

God in heaven, please use your supernatural powers to heal Christina's body of cancer. I ask as a humble servant to you lord, that you take away her pain and wounds and grant her a healthy life. I pray on my knees that you will make her body whole and strong. I ask of you God to help the doctors and medical staff to heal not only Christina but all the patients in their care. I ask this in your name, God. Amen.

An early get well card for C!

Christina,

I know that you are going into surgery next Tuesday in SF. I also realize that you are nervous, apprehensive and a little scared. All of us who love you feel the exact same way! You are in great hands with some of the best surgeons anywhere. You will be fine. Your mom and I will take good take of you when you are discharged from the hospital, hopefully on Wed.

The good news is that you will be cancer free and our journey will have taken one more step towards getting you healthy. I know that this all started in January and you have grown weary of all of it. Let's just crush this thing like you have everything else put in front of you! You got this, Chrissy:)

Lots of love,

Butchie

I'm glad that I got sick..

I've been home for a few days now from a business trip and got pretty sick yesterday. I felt like I was going to die. I'm sure it was minor case of food poisoning that got me. It made me think. Christina has been going through something like this FOR MONTHS! I rolled up into the fetal position and was trying to get in touch with Dr. Jack Kevorkian after just one day. Her? She's working, running and leading a very normal life. Except she has cancer. Fever, chills, stomach issues, nausea, body aches are an every day ordeal for her. The chemo drugs are leaving her system-it's been almost three weeks since her 16th and final treatment. Her eye brows are already growing back a little although the doctors have said that they are likely to fall out again. She's on the mend...

She is meeting with the head of oncology and her surgeon in a few hours to lay out the plan going forward. It won't be easy I am sure, but the little gal will be just fine. Me? I am glad that I got sick. I needed a little perspective going into the next phase of our journey together... 

Surprise!

We enjoyed a birthday celebration last weekend with Christina's family for her grandmother. Jennie turned 90 and it was nice to see her relatives and to celebrate a great woman's life. There were a few people who were not aware that she has been kicking cancer's butt for five months. Surprise! I cannot tell you how many people have commented on how great she looks. I agree 100%:) Yes, she has lost all of her hair but her "costume" is so natural looking that it even has fooled her nurses and her oncologist. "Is that a wig? Oh my God, that's the best wig I have ever seen!"  The wig store in SF should be giving her a commission as she has referred several people to their store.

There were a few people in the group on Capri that had no idea. We weren't there to talk about breast cancer or dwell on it. Christina has never felt like, acted or wanted to be a victim in all of this. She has said countless times that she is blessed and lucky. And she is. She has an MRI next week and then meets with a team of doctors at UCSF to discuss the surgery that will likely happen in September.

Every day, the chemo drugs leave her body and she gets stronger. Runs are more frequent and faster and by the time the surgery occurs, she will in great shape. Hey cancer: kiss my butt! Your days are numbered...

P.S.-I just signed up for a contest on Virgin Air to win a trip to Hawaii. I fully expect to win, of course. Aloha!:)

The "Blitz" is over

Some of you reading the blog know that I am a history buff. I really enjoy World War II in particular. With Christina finishing up her 16th and final chemotherapy treatment on Wed., I keep thinking back to June of 1940. Winston Churchill has just taken over as the Primer Minister of Britain a month before. On June 18, 1940, he appeared before Parliament and gave the world his "This was their finest hour " speech. It was a rallying call as things looked very grim indeed. Germany had overrun Western Europe in a matter of weeks. England was alone. Many people inside the Government wanted Churchill to capitulate and sign a surrender treaty. Of course, you know the rest of the story here. Churchill stood strong and eventually, with the help of the allies, defeated the Nazis.

Christina faced a similar challenge in February. No, she wasn't alone on the home front. I tried my best to support her and help her through the battle.So have family and friends through their texts, emails and visits. But in the end, no one else other than Christina was injected with needles. She alone had to get multiple MRI's, blood tests and EKG readings. It was her body that has been ravaged with side effects that include losing all of her hair. Have there been moments of fear and weakness? Sure. But that's human. And she NEVER has forgotten the fact that she, and only she, has to take on cancer and destroy it.

A few months after the speech, The Battle of Britain ended. Germany attempted an air blitzkrieg on England and London in particular. Because of the incredible strength, gritty determination and courage of the RAF, England survived to fight another day. Christina survived chemo and is now onto surgery and whatever that entails. We will know within a couple weeks the details. For now, I will  steal  from Churchill once more: "Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."

Stay strong and carry on, Chrissy. Love ya:)

We're home!

After an incredible eleven days in Rome and Capri, Christina and I are safe and sound and exhausted in Pleasant Hill. We received so much love, compassion and generosity during the trip, it brings tears to my eyes. It is clear that the world is in shambles when you watch the news. But for ten plus days, the world was paradise: in the food, the views, the people, the experiences and the love we felt. I will post a few pictures of the trip this week.

Christina's last A/C treatment is tomorrow (Wed) and she is done getting poisoned. After that, MRI's and consults with the surgery team. It's the next path in her and our journey. Thanks for being a part of it with us!

P.S.-I hope they serve Negronis with the nice antipasto tray from the "Qusi"  in heaven:)

While in Rome, Christina's life will come full circle

We are sitting in our hotel room in Rome enjoying a brownie and some great red wine. The past two days or so have been wonderful-not only because we were able to make it here, but because we have done so much in so little time. A recap:

-Flight was good-I slept for first time EVER on a plane.
-Don't ever check baggage into Rome's airport. Biggest nightmare to collect your bag(s)
-Tour of Vatican City, museums and St. Peter's was incredible! Our tour guide, Marta, was fabulous.b
-Tour of Coliseum sucked but the place is historic and magical. You must see it once in your life
-We took the long route (we were so damn lost it was crazy) to find the Pantheon, Piazza Navona and the  Trevi fountain. To think that the Romans built and rebuilt the Pantheon before the 2nd century was over is crazy. Not to get too political, but we being told by our fearless ass hat politicians that we cannot build a fence on our Southern border. It's insulting and sad.
-We ran into a doctor that specializes in a new type of high resolution imaging for breast cancer detection. C did not tell him that she was battling the disease but it was strange.
-We just had a few slices of pizza at a great little spot sitting next to a cute little toddler who looked very similar to Christina at the same age. And she acted like C as well. She was curious and on the move while her parents tried to down a few slices of pizza. Her name? Christina! We looked at each other in amazement.

Although she now wears wigs, fake eyelashes and paints her eyebrows in each morning, we both caught a glimpse of Christina the way she is. Beautiful and bratty. And I love her for it:). More to come from Capri!

This beats the " Miracle On Ice" of 1980

I was in Half Moon Bay, CA for the FFA State convention. Back then (1980), the Olympics were not televised live. We were facing the USSR in hockey and it was at the height of the cold war. They hated us and the feeling was definitely mutual. Our amateur all star team were HUGE underdogs to the professional team assembled for the Olympics. Hell, the Ruskies had beaten an NHL all star team badly weeks before the match. Honestly, most people were hoping the Soviets didn't blow us out. A 3-1 loss would have been a psychological victory for sure.

Well, most of  you know the ending here. We beat the commies and went on to win the gold medal.(trivia-we had to beat Finland to actually win the gold medal)  It's still one of the most unlikely sports stories of all time. It shouldn't and couldn't have happened...But it did..

Fast forward to 2015. My beautifully tough wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in February. She faced an uphill battle against a brutal disease. The odds were definitely against the little gal. Sixteen rounds of chemo with some experimental poisons thrown in for extra credit. Well, I am here to say that with only one round of chemo left in the books, we are headed to Rome and Capri, Italy late tomorrow night! Christina delayed her last treatment one week (Aug 12th to be exact) to go on this trip. We won't be making this trip without help. One of our Angels, "K", has been instrumental in helping C and I through our journey. Without him, I am not sure where we would be exactly. Countless friends, co-workers and family have sent positive messages and texts to myself and Christina from day one. It continues up to today when I received a call from a friend in Utah wishing us the best. We feel your prayers and lean on your words of encouragement in tough times. Trust me..

So the next time I post, I hope to include pictures of the Amalfi Coast or the Vatican and Colosseum. Remember.....no matter the odds.....you can win. And we are blessed with every breath of air we take:)

P.S-  FFA stands for Future Farmers of America and I was running for Treasurer as a Sophomore, the first ever to do so in CA...I lost the election because of "hanging chads." And some ass-hat ruined the surprise and told us the U.S. had won. We still watched every damn second!

A love letter to C

Christina,

I have had a lot of time to think about us lately. Whether I am walking the dogs or driving to a small town in WA. to sell glue, you are always on my mind. Okay, sandwiches and you are always on my mind. I know that many people have told you that you are amazing, I don't think that you always believe them. You are amazing and wonderful and funny and beautiful. Yes, all of those things you are my love. And more. 

I have also thought about being here without you. It wouldn't be living anymore. It would be existing. Three meals and a snack, TV, go to bed, repeat...That's not living. You have been so patient with my craziness, allowing me to explore different things to make me fulfilled. I haven't found that "thing" yet. But I will. And you will be there to share it with me. I promise...

A couple things, love. We need to stop finishing each other's sentence, laughing at the same things on TV and waking up with a smile every day once the coffee takes effect. It just isn't normal, Christina! Then again, normal and Butch Paula are rarely in the same neighborhood. Or in the same country. Screw it. Let's keep doing what we have been doing since we got married: watch movies we love, read and talk about food and drinks that we want to have or have experienced on a trip (remember the paella from Majorca, Spain?). My mouth is watering right now and I am grabbing a wooden spoon so I can dig into the crust..

You are nearing the end of the first phase in our journey. As we said last night on the way home, you are "crushing it." And I am loving you more now than ever. Except when you yell at me for dirtying up the stove. I am an artist, damn it!!  

Love you tons Chrissy,

Butchie

Sundays are fun days!

Christina is doing well after her 2nd round of the A-C chemotherapy! Two more rounds until the finish line. Chemo finish line, that is. After that, surgery and recovery. We are probably looking at a September date for her surgery. We will have a better idea of how effective the chemo has been after she gets another MRI following her last session. She is kicking cancer's ass. If this were a boxing match, cancer's manager would have thrown in the towel already. MMA fight? Breast cancer is in an arm bar and tapping out..

She is still running a few times a week and the side effects aren't too bad. She is weaker and the Neulasta drug that they inject the day after chemo to build up healthy cells causes soreness and body aches. I guess I had some sympathy pains the other day. Everything hurt and it wasn't from exercising too much, believe me.

We had a fun but restful weekend. Sundays used to be a mixed bag. She was working in a position that didn't suit her well and I was growing ever more frustrated in my job. Around 1 pm, we would both start to realize that we had to go to work the next day and that the weekend was over.  Things have changed! We had a nice lunch with her parents yesterday and did a little clothes shopping for Italy. We watched one of our favorite movies of all time "Moonstruck" and chilled with the mutts. And of course, pizza was on the menu. You cannot go wrong with a slice or ten if you ask me!

I want to take her out to celebrate the completion of chemotherapy in mid August. She deserves to be celebrated. She has been so strong and courageous throughout this mess. I know she has been an inspiration to me and many others. You cannot help but feel better when you see how she has handled the situation. The first part of the journey is coming to an end soon. That is a really good thing:) Remember that you are blessed and that you are special...

Happy Independence (from chemo) Day!

Christina and I enjoyed a relaxing weekend in Tahoe for the 4th of July holiday. It was the first week she had been off chemotherapy drugs in over 3 months. She was able to exercise and catch up on her rest, which is critical. She gets another A-C treatment on Wednesday and the process starts all over again.

It's amazing to me how healthy she looks at this stage. When I heard the diagnosis in February, I feared the worst for her. She wasn't very big to begin with and I had visions of a frail and pale ghost walking around the house. It couldn't be further from the truth. She has lost weight and some muscular strength but that comes with the territory. Over the past couple days, her eye lashes have begun to fall out and it won't be long until they are gone completely. Her head is clean shaven and her eye brows have thinned, but once she puts her "costume" on for work, she looks completely normal and healthy. The transformation is fitting. Like her, it is amazing!

We assume now that most family and friend know that Christina is battling breast cancer. So when we run into someone who doesn't know, as we did on Thursday night at a party, it takes us back to the beginning. I was emailing a former colleague who went through a similar thing with his wife three years ago. He was very supportive and told me that once C is cured (and she will be), you will look back and it will be a blur. Hell, it already is! The lump, the diagnosis, the multiple visits and options are all such a blur.

Since the Italy trip looks more and more like it could happen, we have begun to watch travel shows and I am doing research on Rome. We are hoping the week off of chemo helps boost her energy for the long flight and lots of walking that will be a part of the trip. As a friend told me back in the beginning "C.O. is one tough cookie. I don't like cancer's odd in that fight. She is an overwhelming favorite in early Vegas lines." I couldn't have said it better myself.

She's rounding the final turn and heading for home!

Sorry I haven't posted in a week. It's been a little hectic! Christina originally was supposed to have this week off before starting the intense A-C portion of her chemotherapy regimen. After reviewing our plans to travel to Italy the first week of August, the medical staff at UCSF decided to start the treatments right away! That way, she won't get on a airplane the day after chemo.

Since the treatment on Wednesday, it has been a little of a roller coaster physically for her. They pumped her full of drugs and steroids before the chemo. She felt pretty good on Wed afternoon after a very long day at the hospital. She had to get her weekly EKG and blood test before meeting with her oncologist. Then up to the infusion center to get her vitals taken and wait for an open spot. Sadly, the place is like a popular restaurant on Zagat or Yelp. A seat in this place is hard to come by. It's a very popular spot for cancer patients. After chemo, she had to meet with the head of the cancer research program and the surgeon. Good news! The tumors have shrunk according to the last MRI done:) The doctors are hoping there is continued shrinkage (Seinfeld episode with George at the beach) by the end of her treatment to make surgery go a little easier in the fall. As far as surgery, it could be anything from a lumpectomy to a full mastectomy. It simply depends on what the tumors look like at that point and also what C wants to do.

Since Wednesday, she was able to work out yesterday (mistake) and go to work on Thursday and Friday.I am amazed at her grittiness while being graceful at the same time. The day following each chemo session, she will be receiving an injection of Neulasta. She's not sure if the side effects of that or the chemo drugs have made her incredibly sore. According to her, it reminds her of swimming for a couple hours straight. Her whole body is tender sore. A planned 10K run this morning was cut short. She knows now that the first few days after the chemo, she will just have to listen to her body closely. Tomorrow is truly going to be a day of rest for her. The good news is that she is down to three more treatments! Her surgery is planned right now for Mid September or early October.

I am hoping that next week she feels a little better so that she goes into her second treatment STRONG!! Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. Despite this temporary setback, we both feel very blessed! You should too:)

Dirty Dozen behind us-The final four is about to start!

Christina finished up her first round of twelve chemo treatments on Wed. I am just amazed at how strong she is. Actually, I am not. She's been this way since I met her. She never looks away from a challenge and is confident that she can accomplish any task. She had an MRI done yesterday (Thursday) to check the tumors. Hopefully, they have shrunk in size and are reacting to the drugs.

The next step in the journey looks like it may start a week early. The A-C chemo (4 treatments) are supposed to be pretty rough and given every other week. Since the Italy trip looks more and more like it may actually occur, the medical staff is trying to schedule in a break for the trip. That way, the side effects won't be too bad while traveling. Cross your fingers, folks!

I always hear how "Cancer is ugly." The disease itself is nasty stuff, no doubt. But the inspirational stories of courage, faith and love that come with the disease are beautiful. Christina is a shining example of that! I don't know how it's possible, but she NEVER takes a bad picture. Me? I'm like Medusa in Greek mythology. Look at me and you turn to stone...I have attached a couple pictures of C to prove it!

As always, keep her in your thoughts and prayers and remember that you are blessed!:)

BP

Nuggets of wisdom from the cancer kid

"Your self worth is worth the self risk"

"You'll never experience success if you're afraid of failure."

"If you keep making excuses as to why you can't do something you'll never achieve it! Step out of your own way & just do it!"

Must be the chemo brain they warned us about:)

Paralysis by analysis..

When I joined Facebook a few years ago, I added a couple fake jobs to my profile. I was proud to be the head donut glazer at Dunkin Donuts. Another one of them was working for the CIA in the "Paralysis by Analysis" division. A few people actually believed it. When Christina was first diagnosed, she was overwhelmed by the amount of information and advice on the internet regarding cancer. Our former doctor in Davis told us the worst thing to happen to modern medicine was webmd.com. All of a sudden, patients would show up with a rash and already have it diagnosed as some very rare form of jungle disease from Indonesia. People started over analyzing stuff.

Many people with good intentions offered free advice. The list is long but suffice it to say that C was going to be eating a lot of well done beef and overcooked veggies and zero wine. Well, she didn't follow most of the advice and has enjoyed a relatively smooth chemotherapy treatment plan. What am I telling you? Get off the internet and stop following the latest and greatest craze (detox juicing is one). As one doctor told her early on, "If you are hungry, then eat." Don't sweat the small stuff. You'll be fine. Oh, and get that rash looked at right away! It could be the beginning of some type of hemorrhagic fever from West Africa. Have a great weekend:)

First phase nearly complete? I can't believe it either!!

Christina completed her 11th of 12 chemotherapy treatments on Wed. The staff at UCSF is amazed at how well she is doing. Although she does suffer from side effects from the trial drug, she continues to be a champion. She looks great in and out of her costume (wig) and continues to work most days as if nothing has occurred. She's inspiring. Sometimes I feel my blog simply doesn't do her justice. Maybe I should hire a professional writer to fill in and I'll "ride the pine" for awhile?

She emailed me yesterday and said how hard it was for her to workout and that her muscular strength has dwindled a bit. Really? I can barely walk the mutts without pulling a hammy! So you were ONLY able to run, row and do weights? What the hell is the matter with you cancer kid?:) Honestly folks, I feel less than adequate around her sometimes. Ok, most of the time.

After her 12th and last treatment next Wed., she will take a week off and then start the A-C chemotherapy. Four treatments every other week. It's supposed to be a bitch but I am confident that C will "embrace the suck" and do just fine. Surgery is planned for this fall and I am praying that it is a relatively minor procedure. An early August trip to Italy might actually happen now. In February, that was the furthest thing from our minds. But every goal that Christina has set for herself, she has crushed. I have a strong feeling that in six weeks, we will enjoying the sights of Roma and elsewhere. Arrivederci!

What if....

Update: Christina finished her 9th chemo treatment on Wed. Last weekend, we enjoyed a fun and relaxing Memorial Day with great friends and she was able to get a couple nice runs in while I tried to paralyze myself wake boarding. They added the trial drug back into this treatment (3 weeks on and one week off with just Taxol). Although she is tough as nails and still has that gorgeous smile, she is human. This week has been rough. As I write, she is trying to run for the first time in 3 days. More than once she has said "I am starting to look like a cancer patient." Lack of energy, soreness and weight loss are taking their toll on my beautiful baby. It sucks. I know I said we just need to "embrace the suck" a few blog posts ago, but I don't want her to have to endure this sh*t anymore. I know it isn't common to pray to God to give someone cancer, but I asked if he would cure C and infect me with whatever type of cancer he could come up with. I'm not hopeful...

I started wondering what if.. You tend to think a lot while driving on the road. Especially when you travel and are away all week from home. Right now, I wish I worked flipping burgers or on an assembly line so I wouldn't have any time for my mind to wander. But...what if...What if... Christina doesn't make it? I know, I know, I know... I am positive that she will recover fully from this disease. I am NOT just saying that! I believe it. She has the best doctors and staff working on her case and she is in great shape, mentally and physically. But what if...

We have talked about the fact that we are mortal and that someday our time on this planet will come to an end. We have even talked about what type of memorial service (we prefer celebration of life) we want. For mine, there are three musts: great selection of cured meats and cheeses, good beer and wines to suck down and lots of laughs. Christina's would be more of a rock concert/musical with power point presentation of her life photos. The finale would be One Republic's "I lived." As she likes to say, it would bring the house down. But then what? What about the first night I am truly alone in the house? The first Thanksgiving and holiday season would be torture. Cooking dinner for one every night would suck. Big time! But the hardest thing for me would be coming home to the dogs and knowing that they are waiting for her every day and every night. And that she won't be coming home. It tears me up just thinking about Buddy and how he would be without C. I could spend 100% of my waking hours with him and it wouldn't suffice.

I know that may sound strange to you if you are reading this but we don't have children and the mutts are as close as we are ever going to get. I don't want to lose her. To cancer or anything else. And I am NOT going to! My fat ass is going to become ashes and sit atop the mantle in an urn before she does. Got it?!

And remember to have a piece of brie or English Stilton along with that chub of salami...Bon apetit!:)

Cancer Memorial Day

I figured since Memorial Day was yesterday, I would start a new Memorial Day for people in my life that have lost their battle with cancer. This is not a complete list, sadly:

-Ralph Paula- my father passed away at 2:32 pm on March 9th, 2000 of Mesothelioma. Miss him every day.
-Dorothy McDonald-Passed away last year. The best aunt a schlub like me could ever have!
-Ed McDonald- died of melanoma and was one of the greatest men you could ever meet! He taught me how to drive and more importantly, showed me how to be a man...
-My grandmother Jean Redding passed away in 1981 of liver cancer. Sweet lady who always had ice cream after dinner for us as kids.
-My grandfather Tom Redding who passed away in the early 70's of a rare blood cancer. I can still smell your cigars burning in the living room of the house in Tocaloma.
-My cousin "little Pat" McDonald who wasn't little to me. You were taken way too young and I always looked up to you as a kid.
-Cousin Dave McDonald who passed away while I was on vacation in Maui. I am glad that my brother and I got to see you a couple weeks before cancer took your crazy and loving soul away from us.
-Uncle Art Paula. You were crazy, funny and your passing hit my dad really hard. Thank you for teaching me how to play poker and when to double down in blackjack:)
-Aunt Maggie Alonzo-you lost your battle a couple years ago but you stood strong right until the end. You were always so graceful.
Manuel Valdez-you fought hard but lost the battle. Husband, father, grandfather and friend. You left a big hole in many hearts and are deeply missed.  Christina has many fond memories of you when she was growing up.

You are all missed by Christina and I..We love you.

"The new norm"

I don't like getting used to Christina having to endure chemotherapy every Wednesday but is it the new norm in our lives...for now. It's Tuesday night which means Christina is feeling great. Just when all of the side effects are gone, she gets an infusion of cancer killing drugs that sap her strength and energy. She rarely complains. She will head off early tomorrow to do some work before heading to UCSF for blood tests followed by an EKG followed by a brief visit with her oncologist. Then off to the infusion center to wait her turn.The routine never changes. This will be her 8th session of a planned 16. Half way home to cancer free:)

What am I doing during this time? Selling black sticky glue that holds your windshield in place. I'm definitely not curing cancer or making the world a better place. It does pay the bills, however. We were hosted this past weekend by friends in the Napa Valley. I could get used to living there full time. Duh... Fabulous food and drink and we got to celebrate my younger brother's 50th birthday with friends, family and a nice dinner in Sonoma. There are times during the day that I forget my wife is sick. I am not denying it. It's just that she looks and acts so healthy. Very surreal to me. And her. Let's hope the new norm is part of the distant past very soon.

Confession

-I am sorry that you have cancer instead of me
-I am sorry that you don't feel important and special every day and every night when you are with me. You should!
-Forgive me for not being the best husband to you every day since Feb 26th, 2000.
-I am sorry that I leave your bathroom door open and Zekey gets in there and creates mayhem
-I am sorry that I leave cabinet drawers open in the kitchen because I know it bugs you
-I am sorry that you have to go through hell with chemotherapy and probably surgery before you feel better. It sucks.. And I can't change that. Sorry again for not being able to help on that...
-I am sorry that I am not in great physical shape and that I cannot run with you. I think it would be really fun.
-I hate the fact that I can barely hammer a nail and that I am not handy around the house.
-I wish my gift giving skills were better. They fall way short of acceptable.
-I'm sorry that I have to travel while you are home alone after your chemo treatments.
-I'm glad that we are together and you are nearly 2/3 done with the first round of infusions.
-I wish I took better better pictures like you. My head is just too damn big. So are my teeth. Sorry luv:)

Life is Neutral

I heard about a book that was written several years ago by a British soldier during WWII. He had escaped into the jungle to hide from the invading Japanese army. It was titled "The Jungle is Neutral." The soldier had heard all kinds of stories about the jungle before he ended up living there for two years. Poisonous snakes,spiders and plants were waiting for him. He also heard the opposite: that the jungle was a tropical paradise full of clean fresh water, fruits and beauty unlike anything he had ever seen. Which was true? Well...actually they both were. In the end (spoiler alert), he lives and realizes that the jungle contains all of what he had heard. It was a lush paradise and it did also have lots of nasty critters. I think life is like that, too.

We all have our personal struggles in life. I also know that all of us have experienced immense pain and loss in our lives. I am not denying that sometimes life just isn't fun. In fact, it can suck big time! Like right now for Christina. She finished her sixth of sixteen chemo treatments on Wednesday. Being infused with cancer killing drugs that make you sick isn't something you look forward to when you wake up in the morning. The weight loss and other side effects are definitely not like winning the lottery. But what about the good stuff? Like the nurses and staff at UCSF that have shown her so much love and compassion. They have been incredible and have lifted a mighty weight off of us with their care. What about the angelic cousin that I met with yesterday in Stockton that proved once again that God is great? Don't tell me that life isn't fair and there is so much pain out there. I don't want to hear it brothers and sisters. Goodness, glory, smiles and laughter are always close by. Take off your "Blue Blocker" sunglasses and feel the warmth of the sunlight in your life. Even on the cloudiest days, like when your beautiful wife has breast cancer, the sun is shining bright above. You just need to poke your head through and catch some rays. And put on some sun block!:)

Our time together

I hope everyone has someone that they enjoy being around as much as I do Christina. Our time together makes all the bad stuff happening fade away, if only for a little while. Today is chemo treatment #6. The cumulative effects of the drugs are adding up. She rarely complains. She's a stud. I feel like I have been in a head on collision two days after I play golf. Her? She goes out for a 7 plus mile run AFTER work and comes back with a smile on her face. I could never make her as happy as she is when she is out running. I'm okay with that. It makes her complete and clears her mind like an eraser. I don't have an activity currently that has the same effect. I need one.

We miss Hawaii and will definitely go back when she is healed. We have had so many great times there. Mostly on the windward side of Oahu in Kailua and Lanikai and also on Maui. It's usually just the two of us but sometimes friends or families come along. We feel comfortable near the water and she loves running in the warm, damp climate. I can't wait to get back there. For now, we can look at photos or remember the scenery in the best camera of all: our minds!

Whether it's Tahoe, Carmel, Paso Robles or other great spots that we have been to, we always seem to find ourselves laughing and smiling most of the time. Those are all locked away on the hard drive in my head. Unlike Hillary's emails, that server isn't going to be deleted forever...I look forward to many, many more.

I want to thank all the people in our life that have reached out to her and I over the past couple months. Your prayers and words of encouragement have meant so much. It really does feel like we have a stadium of fans rooting for Christina's complete recovery. You play better before a packed house. Christina is on the mound and is going to dominate cancer. I guarantee a shutout. Christina-1  Cancer- 0!!

What do you say?

-What do you say to friends when they ask how you're doing?
-You tell them you are fine and that things are going to be okay even if you aren't sure.

-What do you tell your wife of 15 years when she says she is ugly and looks bad?
-You smile and tell her she is beautiful (and you know and believe it with all of your heart)

-What do you say to co-workers when they really like your "new" hairstyle?
-You go along with it and don't make them feel uncomfortable that you are wearing a wig.

-What do say to God, who you believe in?
-"I am pissed and I am angry and  I don't don't understand why this has happened to my wife. You owe us."

-What do you say to Christina's doctors at UCSF?
-I have faith in you but don't f*ck this up.

-What do you say to the many people who have reached out to Christina and myself?
-I say...May God and his mercy bless you all with everlasting peace in His kingdom.

-What do you say to people who ask "where are you going this year on vacation?"
-You tell them that we haven't made up our mind yet. The truth is we may not go on any vacations for awhile but that we will gladly give up all of them up to be healthy again, wouldn't you?

-What do you say to Christina's family who is sooo very concerned about her?
-You tell them that you are doing everything you can to make her feel better and that she is loved every minute of every day. You tell them that you appreciate their concerns and messages of love.  And that sometimes, you feel worthless. Oh yeah.. and F*CK cancer!!! That's what you say...

Embrace "the suck"

Okay, I stole this line from Commander Mark Divine, a former Navy SEAL. But it's true. We do need to sack up and take some crap in our lives every once in a while. Like today, Monday. It sucks to leave Christina when she has cancer. Even if it is just one day. But I currently don't have another viable option. So I have to embrace the fact that I won't be home tonight to cook her dinner. And then I have to move on and suck it up.

One of Christina's friends who also had breast cancer told her that it sucks. That you need to admit that it sucks and not sugar coat it. She's right!You cannot pretend that it isn't a bad thing. You don't have to fall apart and curl up into a little ball, either. Just admit to yourself that it sucks. Deal with the current issue at hand (side effects of chemotherapy, loss of hair etc.) and move on to the next obstacle.

So I am headed out the door and won't be able to take care of her tonight. It will be fine. I just wish I didn't have to embrace the suck in Fresno because that place...well.... really sucks!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

Christina decided to shave her head as the chemo treatments were taking their toll on her hair. More and more hair was falling out each day. It was a little emotional and that's understandable. We never thought that we would have the same hair style. Never! We finish each other sentences and have lots in common. Hair styles? Nope. She took her first run with the short hair and a ball cap on. She said it felt great.

Hair can be an important part of how we see ourselves or others view us. Think of Donald Trump and his crazy wavy comb over hairdo is one of the first things you think about. Other than Sinead O'Connor, can you name a woman who chose to shave their head? Men just have it easier when it comes to bad hair or no hair at all. It's not fair but it is a reality.

She named her wig "Felicia" and we will definitely have a "Bye Felicia" Party when she gets to retire it in a couple years. If you think about all the things that have happened to Christina and what still lies ahead, it can be overwhelming. We talked about and agreed that we can only deal with the present. One step/day at a time. She's shown so much courage throughout this mess. And beauty. And grace. So now she will just show a little more scalp and be even more beautiful than ever...

This sh*t is real!

Christina did well with her 4th chemo treatment on Wednesday. She was able to host some vendors yesterday at AT&T Park during the Giants-Dodgers game. Being able to attend is a big thing to her. She is trying to keep her life as normal as possible. Work is such an integral part of who she is as a person. It always has been. She kept multiple jobs through college at UC Davis and does the equivalent of two person's workload at her current employer. Very few complaints along the way.

The cumulative effect of the treatments is adding up. She is 25% of the way through the treatment plan. Sleep has been hard to come by for her. I would give up my right hand for her to get 8 hours of sleep tonight. She has lost some weight as her appetite isn't very good. I see a tray of special brownies in her future to help her have "the munchies." The saddest thing for me is that food simply doesn't taste very good to her. I offer her multiple entrees but nothing sounds good. I miss getting her emails at 9:30 in the morning asking me what's for dinner. If she wants a hot fudge sundae before bed, then I will head to the store to pick up whatever the heck she wants!

Most of the shows we tape on the DVR are about food, wine and travel. We may have to start watching movies on Netflix instead. Who wants to watch shows about food when food doesn't sound good? Reality has set in for me. My wife is very ill and although she is tough as nails, this sh*t is real! I  cannot make her feel better with one of my famous soups or stews or with appetizer night or steaks. Brownies laced with a little something? I can do that...

Are you an anchor or a dead weight?

We spent the weekend in South Lake Tahoe with two great people. They, and many others, are anchors in our life. When we don't see them for a few months, we miss them. They are the same people we got to know and love twenty years ago. I hope we have them in our lives for twenty more! Everybody has anchors in their life. Someone that keeps you steady in rough times. Someone that is rock solid and helps you stay away from the rocks and shallow water. So I started thinking...yes... I do think about life sometimes! Am I an anchor to someone that I know? I think I am an anchor to Christina and others. Admittedly, I have broken down a few times since the diagnosis was official. But that's natural. I am not a robot. Just today, she emailed me and was upset that she is losing her hair from the chemotherapy treatments. I let her know that her feelings are natural and that cancer sucks. As do the side effects like hair loss. Wig time is upon us. And she is gonna rock it brothers and sisters!!

Are you an anchor for people in your life or are you a dead weight that drags people down below the surface? Do you call people to check in and cheer them up or do you call them to complain about your problems? What about your texts and emails? Do you send words of encouragement and advice or do you bitch about the challenges that life has thrown your way? How often do you send a funny joke to a friend or co-worker because you know that it will make them feel better? If you aren't sure of the answer, then you are probably a dead weight that is drowning someone with your B.S.. Eventually, they will cut the rope and let you sink to the bottom of the ocean. Life is tough enough. We don't need 100 lbs. of extra weight strapped to our feet. Trust me, if we have any dead weights during our breast cancer journey, I have a sharp knife. And I will cut the rope. Be an anchor to someone. And remember, we are blessed:)

I'm not the one with cancer...

I spent the last few days traveling for my job. I don't like travel. Unless there is an umbrella drink or coldie waiting at the end of my flight or drive. I put some serious miles on the car this week. I ate crappy "free" breakfasts at budget hotels followed by fast food lunches and mini mart sodas. It wasn't fun. Or very profitable. But in the back of my mind, I kept thinking "hey jack ass, I'm not the one with cancer." So eating shitty eggs and leathery sausage links at the Podunk Inn isn't so bad.

Christina's 3rd chemo session went well. She's a studette of epic proportions! I checked in with her via texts a few times from B.F.E. city, Oregon. I felt so damn guilty not being there or at least driving her home after the treatment. Her mother came over to be here when she got home from UCSF. That helped me sleep a little better on the zero thread count sheets in my suite. You know, the luxurious room that's situated 20 feet from I-5? Yeah, that one.

So while I was complaining and stopping at every other rest area to stretch my back, Christina was working on her laptop and getting injected with two kinds of poison-err... cancer drugs. So the next time you think you have it bad, why don't you head down to children's hospital and see little kids struggling to survive from a rare and deadly form of cancer. Or swing by the local infusion center to see people arriving and leaving. Some of them are going to be on the losing end of the cancer battle. Some of them, like Christina, are only at the first turn of the race and the checkered flag is months away. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and go eat some leathery pork (I think it was pork) and some cold lumps of egg (I hope it was egg). And then bow your head and thank the lord for everything you have in this life. You are blessed!

Opening Day-episode 16

Tomorrow, Christina and I will be at the SF Giants opening day game. It's special to us. This year, it will be even more special. Not only because she has breast cancer and life can be so damn finite. It's because of our circle of friends. We all have friends. Some are neighbors that we see almost every day mowing the lawn or grilling burgers on the 4th of July. Some date back to kindergarten, middle or high school. It doesn't matter how or where we met. It does matter that we DID meet!

The Giants circle of friends lost a great guy, Stu Spafford, in May of 2009. A fun loving guy who bled black and orange. He was a fixture to every opening day at Pac Bell, SBC (remember that?) and AT&T. I miss him and so does C. And many other good people. Speaking of good people, SK is one of the best. He had a big part in bringing Christina and I together. I won't bore you with the details, but he had my back. Period. And C loves him so much. I'm positive the feeling is mutual. When they get together, it's usually ugly but full of laughs. Laughs heal us. So if SK wants to be around every day, then it shall happen!!

One of Christina's primary goals was to be at opening day. She feared it would not happen or if it did, she would be wearing a wig. Well folks, she will be proudly displaying her natural god-given hair and that is something to cheer about! Someone else in her close circle is TE. We have known him for 20 years. Salt of the earth and extremely talented at making things. Wine, canned goods, and beer are just a few of things he excels at. I hate him. I don't really hate him but he possesses a gift that I could never learn in a thousand years. On second thought, I do hate him.

My best friend, CS, will be there tomorrow as he has been every opening day since 2000. I am a fan of the Giants. My first game was in 1970. My love of the Giants pales in comparison to his. He still reads box scores. He knows the team batting average and tons of other stats that very few care about anymore. It will be great to see him. He loves C and vice versa. He is preparing his specialty tomorrow in honor of her- Cajun prawns. They are epic!!

In the midst of all the beers and food we enjoy tomorrow, I will pause more than once and rejoice in the fact that we are blessed to enjoy events like opening day. That fact will never be lost on us again. Go Giants!!!!

God Bess you all,

Butch

Can I have your autograph, Christina?

I sent Christina a quick note yesterday while she was at work. The subject line was "You." The email simply said "are my hero." I meant it. She responded and thank me and asked me why. "Because you are beautiful, strong and courageous." Here's a few other things that I need to say to her:

-Can I have your autograph, Christina?
-I don't want to lose you...ever!
-You make me laugh all the time because you are basically a dork
-You work so much harder than me and someday I will make it up to you
-I want to run with you in a 10K race later this year. Just don't beat me too badly.
-You look HOT in that new wig of yours!
-I feel like sh*t that I am missing your chemo appointment this coming week.
-Man, are we gonna have a party when the doctors tell us that you are cancer free! I can already feel the hangover:)

Her 2nd chemo treatment went well although there were all kinds of delays. She was better prepared for the pre-cancer infusion drugs that are steroids and Benadryl. The steroids freak her out and get her edgy. I am used to that feeling as I have been on them for 25 years..It sucks but for me and for her, it is life-saving sucky.

I ran into a husband of another cancer patient here. Christina has known him for years. Just like me, he comes to the chemo treatments to be with his wife. I really feel for those patients who have no visitors during the infusion. Even it is a short visit to drop off a bottle of water or tea for them. Or to hold their hand. Or to tell them that no matter what happens, it is going to be okay. Well, Christina won't have to worry about that!

She got more "cancer gifts" this week. I have THREE diseases. THREE! I don't get a cup of coffee and she gets lavished with gifts. It just isn't fair, dammit! I will, however, allow it for the next few months.

Her appetite is low but she is eating. there are a few other side effects but so far, she has done really well. Sleep? Ehhhh. That's been a little tough to come by these days. She craves spicy chicken wings daily but doesn't want me to barbq chicken or to buy a rotisserie variety either. At least she is not craving liver and onions. I might have to draw the line there.

Her hair will likely fall out in the next two to five weeks. She had her wig cut and styled by a specialist. It really looks good! I couldn't tell at first because it looked so natural. We are still trying to figure out how and where we will get the head shaved. That is something you tend to not think about unless you get cancer.

We both really appreciate all the love and support (and free stuff) that we have received over the past month. It means so much to us. We realize every day that we are blessed. Do you?

Quit stewing and start doing

It was a great weekend! For the most part, Christina handled the 1st round of chemo very well. In fact, she ran 8 miles yesterday. Twice. On Friday, we hosted her family at the Giants-A's preseason game. We awoke Saturday with a few things on our to-do list. We tossed it and instead took two of our mutts to Carmel Beach. Why? Because we had talked about it for years but had never done it. Our oldest dog, Jojo is slowing down and we wanted her to enjoy doggie heaven before she actually goes to doggie heaven. She did. It was like drinking from the fountain of youth for her. Tons of dogs-big and small-running, playing and barking. It was awesome. For all of us.

We almost didn't go. There were lots of excuses why we shouldn't do it: "we need to clean the house" or "it's a two hour drive away." In the end, I decided to pull the trigger. I know there will be a time when Christina won't be able to do much at all. I could have told her that we should stay closer to home. She would have not put up much of a fight and that would be that.

Battling cancer makes you cut through all the BS in your life and focus on what you really want. Like Carmel Beach. And running. Cancer also helps you let go of all the crap that you have been clinging to even though you don't need it. It also clarifies who is important in your life. And who needs to take a back seat for awhile. Or not get in the car at all. For now, it is Christina's trip and she is  in the driver's seat. I cannot wait for our next adventure.

Chemo treatment #1 in the books!

Just thought I would send a quick note out. Christina handled the 1st chemo session very well. Two different drugs administered to her. The staff is really friendly. Sadly, the infusion area where this occurs is always packed. She rested last night and is on the treadmill in the garage as we speak. She is a stud! I took a couple photos yesterday to show you how beautiful and brave she is. Smile and laugh-you are blessed!:)

D-Day

Christina starts chemotherapy this morning at 8:30. It's her D-Day. The doctors have tested, probed and analyzed her for nearly two months. It's go time! I would like to say that we both slept great and we are not worried. That would be a lie. Two of her close friends and I went wig shopping yesterday in SF. That wasn't on my bucket list going into 2015. Lingerie shopping with her? Yep. Wig shopping? Not so much.

The staff at UCSF has been amazing to her. Lots of communication from nurses, her oncologist and the head of the cancer research center. It helps. Her first treatment includes a cocktail of drugs including a very strong one. The plan is to adjust the cocktail each session to see which blend works best at killing the cells. I was hoping that she got the IPA blend with a hint of 18 year old scotch. Doubtful.

Just as the old saying goes "there are no atheist in a fox hole," I don't believe there are many of them going through cancer treatment either. When you get the news, all the B.S. in your life is pushed aside. There's no time for it. The boys on Omaha Beach had one objective on June 6th, 1944. Get off the beach alive. We also have a singular focus. Get rid of this cancer forever! The ramps are coming down in a few hours. Wish us luck, pray for her health and we'll see you all inland someday:)

We are surrounded by goodness

Before I head back out to work this morning, I need to remind myself that we are surrounded by angels in our lives. It's been difficult for me to watch or listen to the news lately. So much death and tragedy in the world we live in. We are blessed to live here and at this time. Yes, I realize World War III has probably started in the Middle East and things are really getting ugly out there. I'm not blind to the evil. I just will not allow it to take harbor inside me. I choose to surround myself with goodness.

As most of you reading this blog know, my wife Christina starts chemotherapy on Wednesday. Before she starts, we plan on having a once in a lifetime bottle of vino. It was given to us by an angel. He has been so generous to Christina and myself over the past two years. I am comforted daily knowing that he is in our lives. I am a better person for meeting him. We had lunch and spent Sunday afternoon with two other angels. There was talk of cancer and the treatment plan but there was also lots of laughs. They have been in my life for 30 years and counting. I am blessed with their friendship. The night before, we had dinner (cancer invite) with one of Chris' close friends at her job. She and her husband are great people who we plan on seeing more often. Our lives will be fuller with them around us.

The angels on our Pandora channel played "live like you were dying" by Tim McGraw twice last night. Actually , they played it ten minutes apart. I guess we needed an extra reminder that we are mortal. We will all pass on someday. I pray that your day is way over the horizon and that angels lift you up the moment you leave this planet.

Christina has angels all around her. From the time she was a little girl in Stockton to today, she has been anointed with blessings. She has had teachers, uncles and aunts and countless cousins there to guide her along the path and keep her out of danger. Now the staff at UCSF will hold her hand and heal her body. They may not have wings and harps, but they are angels nonetheless.

This is what a champion looks like

Christina is headed out for a run after working a full day. She is a champion! I watched a  E60 episode on ESPN earlier about a high school wrestler who was born with physical disabilities. He was bound to a wheel chair because he couldn't use his legs and had limited use of one of his arms. Despite this, he went out for the wrestling team in High School. He lost every match his freshman year. Over twenty of them. Same story for his sophomore year. And junior year. Each off season, he would harder on his fitness so he could become a champion.

His senior campaign went the same way. 20 plus matches. 20 plus defeats. Until the end of the season. Somehow, he was able to squeak out a win. Not because he was better but because he wanted it more than his opponent. Pure will with God's touch gave him his first and only victory. That kid is as much a champion as Dan Gable, who is regarded as one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. Gable went 181-1 in High School and college.

Christina could kick both their asses. Okay, picking on a kid in a wheelchair isn't very PC but she could. Dan Gable? Hmmm. I  have never seen a more competitive person than her. Somehow, she has overcome every challenge put in front of her. She makes it look easy. And beautiful. And fun. She will do the same thing to this fucking cancer! By the end of the match, cancer will be tapping out. Guarantee it..

The roller coaster of cancer

The past couple days have been a roller coaster of emotions for the both of us. Christina got her BRACA genetic test. It came back negative which is great. Much less chance of recurrence in her ovaries. Her AKG came back fine as well. Since she runs around 40 miles per week, there wasn't much doubt about that one. She just called to tell me that her PET scan came back clear as well. Also great news. So why I am crying during the Knorr sauces commercial on youtube? Not kidding.  Who the hell knows!

I let two of my cousins know this morning. If anyone knows the horrors of cancer, it's those girls. Mother and father as well both of their brothers were lost to the "Big C."  We hosted the nieces last night from Stockton. No tears and lots of laughs.Pizza from Paxti's was damn good too! Christina tried to show them through her humor and strength how to take on cancer. There were no pity parties in Pleasant Hill. There won't be.

Two of her biggest concerns are her not being able to run during the chemotherapy (it starts next Wed) and the loss of her hair. She sent me a link to a Runners World article from a cancer patient. The bottom line if it possible to run, she is going to do it. And I fully support her efforts to do so. As far as the hair, she is planning on wig shopping soon. She was considering a cold cap device but the results were mixed and there was still a good chance of much of her hair falling out anyway.

So back to the sobbing during the hollandaise sauce commercial. I guess what makes me the saddest is that I cannot take care of my baby. I always was so proud that from the time she wakes to a freshly made extra hot latte to the time she sits down to a home cooked meal, I take care of her. In nearly 20 years, I have only screwed up two dinners (Thai pepper beef and steamed clams). Breast cancer treatment? That recipe is not in my repertoire. I'm useless. I can't imagine being a parent and seeing your child suffering in pain. I guess I am going through a similar process. I know during the chemo treatments, I will need to focus on something. Currently leaning towards fitness. Booze isn't the answer and I suck at home improvement projects. Kettle bells and TRX? I can do that! Now if I can just avoid the Knorr gravy commercials. I will be fine:)

The circle

Most of us are surrounded by friends and family. Christina and I are blessed to have many great people in our lives. You try not to take them for granted  but when something serious happens, you realize even more how blessed you really are. She has two great bosses at work. One of them is a breast cancer survivor. Christina is very close to her and has been since they met. They click. It's that simple. From their love of animals and food to the clothes they wear, they share a lot in common. I was hoping that cancer was one thing that they wouldn't have to both experience. That ship has sailed. She is also an assistant for one of the partners at work as well. I cannot tell you how much this man has helped Christina and I out over the past 2 years. We have shared unbelievable experiences with him. He is one of the most generous persons I have met in my life. I love him like a brother. He hosted us this past weekend in Napa. I crumbled when he gave a toast to Christina towards then end of our night on Saturday. It was a combination of the copious amounts of French Burgundy and 18 year old Scotch. And the fact that I cannot take of my baby and make the cancer go away.

 I always feel like shit when she leaves for work. She has a 15 minute drive to BART with no traffic followed by a 35 minute train ride into SF. I know she thinks about having cancer then but doesn't have anyone to talk about it to. I know once she gets to the office, she is in good hands. She's already let most of her co-workers and friends know. I did some of the dreaded "well...there's no easy way to say this but Christina has breast cancer" emails and phone calls. I broke down when I told my mother, sister and brother. I try to be strong in front of her. It's tough. She is  five feet two (and 3/4 according to her) and around 112 pounds. I want cancer. Well, I guess I mean that I don't want her to have it and I would take it from her in a second. She keeps saying she is in a good place. I broke down on our anniversary on February 26th while driving the car to grab a celebratory cocktail.  Yay!, here's to 15 years of marriage and cancer with all it's glory!! That's not a toast that you ever want to mutter. We ended up not being able to find a place in Lafayette and drove home. That's probably where we should have been anyway. Just the two of us with our 4 mutts. Our little circle. 

We are letting more and more people into our circle. He parents know as do a few of her relatives. She has a huge family and many of them live on Facebook. Eventually, it will leak out and there will be tributes and messages flowing in. For now, we are just taking things one day at a time. She had a PET scan yesterday and has an EKG on the books for today. Chemotherapy is slated for next Wednesday. I will be there for that part of the journey. Her short term goal is to be healthy enough to attend the Giants home opener on April 13th. I wouldn't bet against her. She doesn't know it yet but if she cannot make it, I am planning an opening day party at our house. I won't go without her. Ever..Circle of two is all I need.

The Diagnosis

I'm not good with dates. I never forget Christina's birthday or our anniversary or Christmas...or the home opener for the Giants. But I have to be honest, I don't know the exact date that her doctors at CPMC told her that she had breast cancer. I swear it was Friday, Feb. 20th but I could be wrong. We both suspected it before Valentines Day. She had been to several tests. The first appointment was a real eye opener for me. I took some time off work to be with her at the appointment. She took UBER from work and I met her at the breast care center of CPMC out in the Laurel Heights neighborhood of SF. I couldn't believe the number of women that were coming in for testing there. I also couldn't believe that I was the only husband that was there to be with their wife. It seemed like there were 4 or 5 new women every 30 minutes. This is just one place to get tested. I started to try and do the math in my head. How many women get diagnosed every day with breast cancer? I'm sure I could look it up on Google but I really don't want to know. One is too many...

I started noticing that some of the women who had shown up after Christina were already gone. They kept taking her to a new room for a new test. I knew. Each time she would pass me in the waiting room, she would show off her beautiful smile. She knew too I think. Then I saw a women who had obviously been given the news. Tears were evident and she quickly moved to the elevator. I wondered if she was single or is she was married or had a partner. I wouldn't want anyone to get the news and go home to an empty house or apartment. I know it happens. My mother got the news alone. I think back with shame that I wasn't there to comfort her. She is tough as nails. She lost her husband and my dad a couple years before. Ironically, her older sister had been diagnosed with breast cancer the same week! I should have been there. But I wasn't..I suck as a son.

I was in the waiting room so long that one of the admitting nurses offered me coffee and snacks from the break room. I declined but it was nice to know that she cared enough to ask. The official diagnosis wouldn't come for another week or so. But when we left that day, we knew that the journey-our journey-had begun..

The lump

My wife Christina had felt a small lump in her left breast since the holidays. I felt it too. It was a hard, pea sized lump that wasn't painful. But it wasn't going away. I would ask her once a week if it had gone away or if it had grown or shrunk in size. The answer for a couple months was always the same, "Nope, it's still there."

We had both been seeing the same doctor in Davis, CA. for years. He has since moved on to practice on campus at UC Davis in the student health center. Christina had a co-worker recommend that she start seeing her physician at California Pacific Medical Center. She did just that and at her appointment, she brought up the lump. She was referred to the breast care center at CPMC in San Francisco. In the back of my mind, I started wondering if it was indeed breast cancer. Nah,  I thought. She runs 35-40 miles a week and takes great care of herself. Besides, cancer doesn't run in her family.She's never smoked and we eat bales of kale and rainbow chard every damn day! It's a cyst or benign tumor-maybe some dense fatty tissue, right?

On the other hand, our little dog Buddy had stopped laying with her at night on the couch. He literally didn't want to be around her.  Anyone who has read "The Art of Dancing in the Rain" knows what that could mean. He smells cancer! And her sports bras were smelling different after her runs...Come on, that's crazy talk. Right? Maybe Buddy's nose can do the same thing that MRI, PET scans and biopsies accomplish. They tell you that you are sick. And that you need help to get better. God, I hope he never stops sitting on my lap. I'm a goner if he does..