What if....

Update: Christina finished her 9th chemo treatment on Wed. Last weekend, we enjoyed a fun and relaxing Memorial Day with great friends and she was able to get a couple nice runs in while I tried to paralyze myself wake boarding. They added the trial drug back into this treatment (3 weeks on and one week off with just Taxol). Although she is tough as nails and still has that gorgeous smile, she is human. This week has been rough. As I write, she is trying to run for the first time in 3 days. More than once she has said "I am starting to look like a cancer patient." Lack of energy, soreness and weight loss are taking their toll on my beautiful baby. It sucks. I know I said we just need to "embrace the suck" a few blog posts ago, but I don't want her to have to endure this sh*t anymore. I know it isn't common to pray to God to give someone cancer, but I asked if he would cure C and infect me with whatever type of cancer he could come up with. I'm not hopeful...

I started wondering what if.. You tend to think a lot while driving on the road. Especially when you travel and are away all week from home. Right now, I wish I worked flipping burgers or on an assembly line so I wouldn't have any time for my mind to wander. But...what if...What if... Christina doesn't make it? I know, I know, I know... I am positive that she will recover fully from this disease. I am NOT just saying that! I believe it. She has the best doctors and staff working on her case and she is in great shape, mentally and physically. But what if...

We have talked about the fact that we are mortal and that someday our time on this planet will come to an end. We have even talked about what type of memorial service (we prefer celebration of life) we want. For mine, there are three musts: great selection of cured meats and cheeses, good beer and wines to suck down and lots of laughs. Christina's would be more of a rock concert/musical with power point presentation of her life photos. The finale would be One Republic's "I lived." As she likes to say, it would bring the house down. But then what? What about the first night I am truly alone in the house? The first Thanksgiving and holiday season would be torture. Cooking dinner for one every night would suck. Big time! But the hardest thing for me would be coming home to the dogs and knowing that they are waiting for her every day and every night. And that she won't be coming home. It tears me up just thinking about Buddy and how he would be without C. I could spend 100% of my waking hours with him and it wouldn't suffice.

I know that may sound strange to you if you are reading this but we don't have children and the mutts are as close as we are ever going to get. I don't want to lose her. To cancer or anything else. And I am NOT going to! My fat ass is going to become ashes and sit atop the mantle in an urn before she does. Got it?!

And remember to have a piece of brie or English Stilton along with that chub of salami...Bon apetit!:)