We are surrounded by goodness

Before I head back out to work this morning, I need to remind myself that we are surrounded by angels in our lives. It's been difficult for me to watch or listen to the news lately. So much death and tragedy in the world we live in. We are blessed to live here and at this time. Yes, I realize World War III has probably started in the Middle East and things are really getting ugly out there. I'm not blind to the evil. I just will not allow it to take harbor inside me. I choose to surround myself with goodness.

As most of you reading this blog know, my wife Christina starts chemotherapy on Wednesday. Before she starts, we plan on having a once in a lifetime bottle of vino. It was given to us by an angel. He has been so generous to Christina and myself over the past two years. I am comforted daily knowing that he is in our lives. I am a better person for meeting him. We had lunch and spent Sunday afternoon with two other angels. There was talk of cancer and the treatment plan but there was also lots of laughs. They have been in my life for 30 years and counting. I am blessed with their friendship. The night before, we had dinner (cancer invite) with one of Chris' close friends at her job. She and her husband are great people who we plan on seeing more often. Our lives will be fuller with them around us.

The angels on our Pandora channel played "live like you were dying" by Tim McGraw twice last night. Actually , they played it ten minutes apart. I guess we needed an extra reminder that we are mortal. We will all pass on someday. I pray that your day is way over the horizon and that angels lift you up the moment you leave this planet.

Christina has angels all around her. From the time she was a little girl in Stockton to today, she has been anointed with blessings. She has had teachers, uncles and aunts and countless cousins there to guide her along the path and keep her out of danger. Now the staff at UCSF will hold her hand and heal her body. They may not have wings and harps, but they are angels nonetheless.

This is what a champion looks like

Christina is headed out for a run after working a full day. She is a champion! I watched a  E60 episode on ESPN earlier about a high school wrestler who was born with physical disabilities. He was bound to a wheel chair because he couldn't use his legs and had limited use of one of his arms. Despite this, he went out for the wrestling team in High School. He lost every match his freshman year. Over twenty of them. Same story for his sophomore year. And junior year. Each off season, he would harder on his fitness so he could become a champion.

His senior campaign went the same way. 20 plus matches. 20 plus defeats. Until the end of the season. Somehow, he was able to squeak out a win. Not because he was better but because he wanted it more than his opponent. Pure will with God's touch gave him his first and only victory. That kid is as much a champion as Dan Gable, who is regarded as one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. Gable went 181-1 in High School and college.

Christina could kick both their asses. Okay, picking on a kid in a wheelchair isn't very PC but she could. Dan Gable? Hmmm. I  have never seen a more competitive person than her. Somehow, she has overcome every challenge put in front of her. She makes it look easy. And beautiful. And fun. She will do the same thing to this fucking cancer! By the end of the match, cancer will be tapping out. Guarantee it..

The roller coaster of cancer

The past couple days have been a roller coaster of emotions for the both of us. Christina got her BRACA genetic test. It came back negative which is great. Much less chance of recurrence in her ovaries. Her AKG came back fine as well. Since she runs around 40 miles per week, there wasn't much doubt about that one. She just called to tell me that her PET scan came back clear as well. Also great news. So why I am crying during the Knorr sauces commercial on youtube? Not kidding.  Who the hell knows!

I let two of my cousins know this morning. If anyone knows the horrors of cancer, it's those girls. Mother and father as well both of their brothers were lost to the "Big C."  We hosted the nieces last night from Stockton. No tears and lots of laughs.Pizza from Paxti's was damn good too! Christina tried to show them through her humor and strength how to take on cancer. There were no pity parties in Pleasant Hill. There won't be.

Two of her biggest concerns are her not being able to run during the chemotherapy (it starts next Wed) and the loss of her hair. She sent me a link to a Runners World article from a cancer patient. The bottom line if it possible to run, she is going to do it. And I fully support her efforts to do so. As far as the hair, she is planning on wig shopping soon. She was considering a cold cap device but the results were mixed and there was still a good chance of much of her hair falling out anyway.

So back to the sobbing during the hollandaise sauce commercial. I guess what makes me the saddest is that I cannot take care of my baby. I always was so proud that from the time she wakes to a freshly made extra hot latte to the time she sits down to a home cooked meal, I take care of her. In nearly 20 years, I have only screwed up two dinners (Thai pepper beef and steamed clams). Breast cancer treatment? That recipe is not in my repertoire. I'm useless. I can't imagine being a parent and seeing your child suffering in pain. I guess I am going through a similar process. I know during the chemo treatments, I will need to focus on something. Currently leaning towards fitness. Booze isn't the answer and I suck at home improvement projects. Kettle bells and TRX? I can do that! Now if I can just avoid the Knorr gravy commercials. I will be fine:)

The circle

Most of us are surrounded by friends and family. Christina and I are blessed to have many great people in our lives. You try not to take them for granted  but when something serious happens, you realize even more how blessed you really are. She has two great bosses at work. One of them is a breast cancer survivor. Christina is very close to her and has been since they met. They click. It's that simple. From their love of animals and food to the clothes they wear, they share a lot in common. I was hoping that cancer was one thing that they wouldn't have to both experience. That ship has sailed. She is also an assistant for one of the partners at work as well. I cannot tell you how much this man has helped Christina and I out over the past 2 years. We have shared unbelievable experiences with him. He is one of the most generous persons I have met in my life. I love him like a brother. He hosted us this past weekend in Napa. I crumbled when he gave a toast to Christina towards then end of our night on Saturday. It was a combination of the copious amounts of French Burgundy and 18 year old Scotch. And the fact that I cannot take of my baby and make the cancer go away.

 I always feel like shit when she leaves for work. She has a 15 minute drive to BART with no traffic followed by a 35 minute train ride into SF. I know she thinks about having cancer then but doesn't have anyone to talk about it to. I know once she gets to the office, she is in good hands. She's already let most of her co-workers and friends know. I did some of the dreaded "well...there's no easy way to say this but Christina has breast cancer" emails and phone calls. I broke down when I told my mother, sister and brother. I try to be strong in front of her. It's tough. She is  five feet two (and 3/4 according to her) and around 112 pounds. I want cancer. Well, I guess I mean that I don't want her to have it and I would take it from her in a second. She keeps saying she is in a good place. I broke down on our anniversary on February 26th while driving the car to grab a celebratory cocktail.  Yay!, here's to 15 years of marriage and cancer with all it's glory!! That's not a toast that you ever want to mutter. We ended up not being able to find a place in Lafayette and drove home. That's probably where we should have been anyway. Just the two of us with our 4 mutts. Our little circle. 

We are letting more and more people into our circle. He parents know as do a few of her relatives. She has a huge family and many of them live on Facebook. Eventually, it will leak out and there will be tributes and messages flowing in. For now, we are just taking things one day at a time. She had a PET scan yesterday and has an EKG on the books for today. Chemotherapy is slated for next Wednesday. I will be there for that part of the journey. Her short term goal is to be healthy enough to attend the Giants home opener on April 13th. I wouldn't bet against her. She doesn't know it yet but if she cannot make it, I am planning an opening day party at our house. I won't go without her. Ever..Circle of two is all I need.

The Diagnosis

I'm not good with dates. I never forget Christina's birthday or our anniversary or Christmas...or the home opener for the Giants. But I have to be honest, I don't know the exact date that her doctors at CPMC told her that she had breast cancer. I swear it was Friday, Feb. 20th but I could be wrong. We both suspected it before Valentines Day. She had been to several tests. The first appointment was a real eye opener for me. I took some time off work to be with her at the appointment. She took UBER from work and I met her at the breast care center of CPMC out in the Laurel Heights neighborhood of SF. I couldn't believe the number of women that were coming in for testing there. I also couldn't believe that I was the only husband that was there to be with their wife. It seemed like there were 4 or 5 new women every 30 minutes. This is just one place to get tested. I started to try and do the math in my head. How many women get diagnosed every day with breast cancer? I'm sure I could look it up on Google but I really don't want to know. One is too many...

I started noticing that some of the women who had shown up after Christina were already gone. They kept taking her to a new room for a new test. I knew. Each time she would pass me in the waiting room, she would show off her beautiful smile. She knew too I think. Then I saw a women who had obviously been given the news. Tears were evident and she quickly moved to the elevator. I wondered if she was single or is she was married or had a partner. I wouldn't want anyone to get the news and go home to an empty house or apartment. I know it happens. My mother got the news alone. I think back with shame that I wasn't there to comfort her. She is tough as nails. She lost her husband and my dad a couple years before. Ironically, her older sister had been diagnosed with breast cancer the same week! I should have been there. But I wasn't..I suck as a son.

I was in the waiting room so long that one of the admitting nurses offered me coffee and snacks from the break room. I declined but it was nice to know that she cared enough to ask. The official diagnosis wouldn't come for another week or so. But when we left that day, we knew that the journey-our journey-had begun..

The lump

My wife Christina had felt a small lump in her left breast since the holidays. I felt it too. It was a hard, pea sized lump that wasn't painful. But it wasn't going away. I would ask her once a week if it had gone away or if it had grown or shrunk in size. The answer for a couple months was always the same, "Nope, it's still there."

We had both been seeing the same doctor in Davis, CA. for years. He has since moved on to practice on campus at UC Davis in the student health center. Christina had a co-worker recommend that she start seeing her physician at California Pacific Medical Center. She did just that and at her appointment, she brought up the lump. She was referred to the breast care center at CPMC in San Francisco. In the back of my mind, I started wondering if it was indeed breast cancer. Nah,  I thought. She runs 35-40 miles a week and takes great care of herself. Besides, cancer doesn't run in her family.She's never smoked and we eat bales of kale and rainbow chard every damn day! It's a cyst or benign tumor-maybe some dense fatty tissue, right?

On the other hand, our little dog Buddy had stopped laying with her at night on the couch. He literally didn't want to be around her.  Anyone who has read "The Art of Dancing in the Rain" knows what that could mean. He smells cancer! And her sports bras were smelling different after her runs...Come on, that's crazy talk. Right? Maybe Buddy's nose can do the same thing that MRI, PET scans and biopsies accomplish. They tell you that you are sick. And that you need help to get better. God, I hope he never stops sitting on my lap. I'm a goner if he does..

The journey that I never thought we would take together

I just set up this blog this morning. It's 4:30 am and like many nights in the past 6 weeks, sleep has been tough to come by. My wife Christina was diagnosed with breast cancer in February. It's been a whirlwind of appointments, tests, phone calls and emails to family and friends. The journey that we are now on wasn't one that I ever thought we would take together. It was always going to be me whose doctor told me "Butch, you have cancer." My mother is a breast cancer survivor of 8 years. My father passed away in 2000 of mesothelioma from working at Naval shipyards in the 1960's. Sadly, it's rare when one of my relatives passes away from anything other than cancer. Aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents-they all have succumbed to that bastard in one form or another.

Tonight, three of our nieces will be over to join us for dinner. Hopefully we will all have some laughs as well as hugs and tears. We have been getting the "cancer invites" lately. Maybe it's a friend request on Facebook or a long overdue dinner invite from a co-worker. They are all appreciated. But Christina and I try to joke about everything so we always throw in the cancer invite line to any social event we go to now.

She starts chemotherapy on Wednesday at UCSF. I guess this blog will be my chemo. I hope we are both in remission when this journey ends.