What if....

Update: Christina finished her 9th chemo treatment on Wed. Last weekend, we enjoyed a fun and relaxing Memorial Day with great friends and she was able to get a couple nice runs in while I tried to paralyze myself wake boarding. They added the trial drug back into this treatment (3 weeks on and one week off with just Taxol). Although she is tough as nails and still has that gorgeous smile, she is human. This week has been rough. As I write, she is trying to run for the first time in 3 days. More than once she has said "I am starting to look like a cancer patient." Lack of energy, soreness and weight loss are taking their toll on my beautiful baby. It sucks. I know I said we just need to "embrace the suck" a few blog posts ago, but I don't want her to have to endure this sh*t anymore. I know it isn't common to pray to God to give someone cancer, but I asked if he would cure C and infect me with whatever type of cancer he could come up with. I'm not hopeful...

I started wondering what if.. You tend to think a lot while driving on the road. Especially when you travel and are away all week from home. Right now, I wish I worked flipping burgers or on an assembly line so I wouldn't have any time for my mind to wander. But...what if...What if... Christina doesn't make it? I know, I know, I know... I am positive that she will recover fully from this disease. I am NOT just saying that! I believe it. She has the best doctors and staff working on her case and she is in great shape, mentally and physically. But what if...

We have talked about the fact that we are mortal and that someday our time on this planet will come to an end. We have even talked about what type of memorial service (we prefer celebration of life) we want. For mine, there are three musts: great selection of cured meats and cheeses, good beer and wines to suck down and lots of laughs. Christina's would be more of a rock concert/musical with power point presentation of her life photos. The finale would be One Republic's "I lived." As she likes to say, it would bring the house down. But then what? What about the first night I am truly alone in the house? The first Thanksgiving and holiday season would be torture. Cooking dinner for one every night would suck. Big time! But the hardest thing for me would be coming home to the dogs and knowing that they are waiting for her every day and every night. And that she won't be coming home. It tears me up just thinking about Buddy and how he would be without C. I could spend 100% of my waking hours with him and it wouldn't suffice.

I know that may sound strange to you if you are reading this but we don't have children and the mutts are as close as we are ever going to get. I don't want to lose her. To cancer or anything else. And I am NOT going to! My fat ass is going to become ashes and sit atop the mantle in an urn before she does. Got it?!

And remember to have a piece of brie or English Stilton along with that chub of salami...Bon apetit!:)

Cancer Memorial Day

I figured since Memorial Day was yesterday, I would start a new Memorial Day for people in my life that have lost their battle with cancer. This is not a complete list, sadly:

-Ralph Paula- my father passed away at 2:32 pm on March 9th, 2000 of Mesothelioma. Miss him every day.
-Dorothy McDonald-Passed away last year. The best aunt a schlub like me could ever have!
-Ed McDonald- died of melanoma and was one of the greatest men you could ever meet! He taught me how to drive and more importantly, showed me how to be a man...
-My grandmother Jean Redding passed away in 1981 of liver cancer. Sweet lady who always had ice cream after dinner for us as kids.
-My grandfather Tom Redding who passed away in the early 70's of a rare blood cancer. I can still smell your cigars burning in the living room of the house in Tocaloma.
-My cousin "little Pat" McDonald who wasn't little to me. You were taken way too young and I always looked up to you as a kid.
-Cousin Dave McDonald who passed away while I was on vacation in Maui. I am glad that my brother and I got to see you a couple weeks before cancer took your crazy and loving soul away from us.
-Uncle Art Paula. You were crazy, funny and your passing hit my dad really hard. Thank you for teaching me how to play poker and when to double down in blackjack:)
-Aunt Maggie Alonzo-you lost your battle a couple years ago but you stood strong right until the end. You were always so graceful.
Manuel Valdez-you fought hard but lost the battle. Husband, father, grandfather and friend. You left a big hole in many hearts and are deeply missed.  Christina has many fond memories of you when she was growing up.

You are all missed by Christina and I..We love you.

"The new norm"

I don't like getting used to Christina having to endure chemotherapy every Wednesday but is it the new norm in our lives...for now. It's Tuesday night which means Christina is feeling great. Just when all of the side effects are gone, she gets an infusion of cancer killing drugs that sap her strength and energy. She rarely complains. She will head off early tomorrow to do some work before heading to UCSF for blood tests followed by an EKG followed by a brief visit with her oncologist. Then off to the infusion center to wait her turn.The routine never changes. This will be her 8th session of a planned 16. Half way home to cancer free:)

What am I doing during this time? Selling black sticky glue that holds your windshield in place. I'm definitely not curing cancer or making the world a better place. It does pay the bills, however. We were hosted this past weekend by friends in the Napa Valley. I could get used to living there full time. Duh... Fabulous food and drink and we got to celebrate my younger brother's 50th birthday with friends, family and a nice dinner in Sonoma. There are times during the day that I forget my wife is sick. I am not denying it. It's just that she looks and acts so healthy. Very surreal to me. And her. Let's hope the new norm is part of the distant past very soon.

Confession

-I am sorry that you have cancer instead of me
-I am sorry that you don't feel important and special every day and every night when you are with me. You should!
-Forgive me for not being the best husband to you every day since Feb 26th, 2000.
-I am sorry that I leave your bathroom door open and Zekey gets in there and creates mayhem
-I am sorry that I leave cabinet drawers open in the kitchen because I know it bugs you
-I am sorry that you have to go through hell with chemotherapy and probably surgery before you feel better. It sucks.. And I can't change that. Sorry again for not being able to help on that...
-I am sorry that I am not in great physical shape and that I cannot run with you. I think it would be really fun.
-I hate the fact that I can barely hammer a nail and that I am not handy around the house.
-I wish my gift giving skills were better. They fall way short of acceptable.
-I'm sorry that I have to travel while you are home alone after your chemo treatments.
-I'm glad that we are together and you are nearly 2/3 done with the first round of infusions.
-I wish I took better better pictures like you. My head is just too damn big. So are my teeth. Sorry luv:)

Life is Neutral

I heard about a book that was written several years ago by a British soldier during WWII. He had escaped into the jungle to hide from the invading Japanese army. It was titled "The Jungle is Neutral." The soldier had heard all kinds of stories about the jungle before he ended up living there for two years. Poisonous snakes,spiders and plants were waiting for him. He also heard the opposite: that the jungle was a tropical paradise full of clean fresh water, fruits and beauty unlike anything he had ever seen. Which was true? Well...actually they both were. In the end (spoiler alert), he lives and realizes that the jungle contains all of what he had heard. It was a lush paradise and it did also have lots of nasty critters. I think life is like that, too.

We all have our personal struggles in life. I also know that all of us have experienced immense pain and loss in our lives. I am not denying that sometimes life just isn't fun. In fact, it can suck big time! Like right now for Christina. She finished her sixth of sixteen chemo treatments on Wednesday. Being infused with cancer killing drugs that make you sick isn't something you look forward to when you wake up in the morning. The weight loss and other side effects are definitely not like winning the lottery. But what about the good stuff? Like the nurses and staff at UCSF that have shown her so much love and compassion. They have been incredible and have lifted a mighty weight off of us with their care. What about the angelic cousin that I met with yesterday in Stockton that proved once again that God is great? Don't tell me that life isn't fair and there is so much pain out there. I don't want to hear it brothers and sisters. Goodness, glory, smiles and laughter are always close by. Take off your "Blue Blocker" sunglasses and feel the warmth of the sunlight in your life. Even on the cloudiest days, like when your beautiful wife has breast cancer, the sun is shining bright above. You just need to poke your head through and catch some rays. And put on some sun block!:)

Our time together

I hope everyone has someone that they enjoy being around as much as I do Christina. Our time together makes all the bad stuff happening fade away, if only for a little while. Today is chemo treatment #6. The cumulative effects of the drugs are adding up. She rarely complains. She's a stud. I feel like I have been in a head on collision two days after I play golf. Her? She goes out for a 7 plus mile run AFTER work and comes back with a smile on her face. I could never make her as happy as she is when she is out running. I'm okay with that. It makes her complete and clears her mind like an eraser. I don't have an activity currently that has the same effect. I need one.

We miss Hawaii and will definitely go back when she is healed. We have had so many great times there. Mostly on the windward side of Oahu in Kailua and Lanikai and also on Maui. It's usually just the two of us but sometimes friends or families come along. We feel comfortable near the water and she loves running in the warm, damp climate. I can't wait to get back there. For now, we can look at photos or remember the scenery in the best camera of all: our minds!

Whether it's Tahoe, Carmel, Paso Robles or other great spots that we have been to, we always seem to find ourselves laughing and smiling most of the time. Those are all locked away on the hard drive in my head. Unlike Hillary's emails, that server isn't going to be deleted forever...I look forward to many, many more.

I want to thank all the people in our life that have reached out to her and I over the past couple months. Your prayers and words of encouragement have meant so much. It really does feel like we have a stadium of fans rooting for Christina's complete recovery. You play better before a packed house. Christina is on the mound and is going to dominate cancer. I guarantee a shutout. Christina-1  Cancer- 0!!