-What do you say to friends when they ask how you're doing?
-You tell them you are fine and that things are going to be okay even if you aren't sure.
-What do you tell your wife of 15 years when she says she is ugly and looks bad?
-You smile and tell her she is beautiful (and you know and believe it with all of your heart)
-What do you say to co-workers when they really like your "new" hairstyle?
-You go along with it and don't make them feel uncomfortable that you are wearing a wig.
-What do say to God, who you believe in?
-"I am pissed and I am angry and I don't don't understand why this has happened to my wife. You owe us."
-What do you say to Christina's doctors at UCSF?
-I have faith in you but don't f*ck this up.
-What do you say to the many people who have reached out to Christina and myself?
-I say...May God and his mercy bless you all with everlasting peace in His kingdom.
-What do you say to people who ask "where are you going this year on vacation?"
-You tell them that we haven't made up our mind yet. The truth is we may not go on any vacations for awhile but that we will gladly give up all of them up to be healthy again, wouldn't you?
-What do you say to Christina's family who is sooo very concerned about her?
-You tell them that you are doing everything you can to make her feel better and that she is loved every minute of every day. You tell them that you appreciate their concerns and messages of love. And that sometimes, you feel worthless. Oh yeah.. and F*CK cancer!!! That's what you say...
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Monday, April 27, 2015
Embrace "the suck"
Okay, I stole this line from Commander Mark Divine, a former Navy SEAL. But it's true. We do need to sack up and take some crap in our lives every once in a while. Like today, Monday. It sucks to leave Christina when she has cancer. Even if it is just one day. But I currently don't have another viable option. So I have to embrace the fact that I won't be home tonight to cook her dinner. And then I have to move on and suck it up.
One of Christina's friends who also had breast cancer told her that it sucks. That you need to admit that it sucks and not sugar coat it. She's right!You cannot pretend that it isn't a bad thing. You don't have to fall apart and curl up into a little ball, either. Just admit to yourself that it sucks. Deal with the current issue at hand (side effects of chemotherapy, loss of hair etc.) and move on to the next obstacle.
So I am headed out the door and won't be able to take care of her tonight. It will be fine. I just wish I didn't have to embrace the suck in Fresno because that place...well.... really sucks!
One of Christina's friends who also had breast cancer told her that it sucks. That you need to admit that it sucks and not sugar coat it. She's right!You cannot pretend that it isn't a bad thing. You don't have to fall apart and curl up into a little ball, either. Just admit to yourself that it sucks. Deal with the current issue at hand (side effects of chemotherapy, loss of hair etc.) and move on to the next obstacle.
So I am headed out the door and won't be able to take care of her tonight. It will be fine. I just wish I didn't have to embrace the suck in Fresno because that place...well.... really sucks!
Hair today, gone tomorrow
Christina decided to shave her head as the chemo treatments were taking their toll on her hair. More and more hair was falling out each day. It was a little emotional and that's understandable. We never thought that we would have the same hair style. Never! We finish each other sentences and have lots in common. Hair styles? Nope. She took her first run with the short hair and a ball cap on. She said it felt great.
Hair can be an important part of how we see ourselves or others view us. Think of Donald Trump and his crazy wavy comb over hairdo is one of the first things you think about. Other than Sinead O'Connor, can you name a woman who chose to shave their head? Men just have it easier when it comes to bad hair or no hair at all. It's not fair but it is a reality.
She named her wig "Felicia" and we will definitely have a "Bye Felicia" Party when she gets to retire it in a couple years. If you think about all the things that have happened to Christina and what still lies ahead, it can be overwhelming. We talked about and agreed that we can only deal with the present. One step/day at a time. She's shown so much courage throughout this mess. And beauty. And grace. So now she will just show a little more scalp and be even more beautiful than ever...
Hair can be an important part of how we see ourselves or others view us. Think of Donald Trump and his crazy wavy comb over hairdo is one of the first things you think about. Other than Sinead O'Connor, can you name a woman who chose to shave their head? Men just have it easier when it comes to bad hair or no hair at all. It's not fair but it is a reality.
She named her wig "Felicia" and we will definitely have a "Bye Felicia" Party when she gets to retire it in a couple years. If you think about all the things that have happened to Christina and what still lies ahead, it can be overwhelming. We talked about and agreed that we can only deal with the present. One step/day at a time. She's shown so much courage throughout this mess. And beauty. And grace. So now she will just show a little more scalp and be even more beautiful than ever...
Friday, April 24, 2015
This sh*t is real!
Christina did well with her 4th chemo treatment on Wednesday. She was able to host some vendors yesterday at AT&T Park during the Giants-Dodgers game. Being able to attend is a big thing to her. She is trying to keep her life as normal as possible. Work is such an integral part of who she is as a person. It always has been. She kept multiple jobs through college at UC Davis and does the equivalent of two person's workload at her current employer. Very few complaints along the way.
The cumulative effect of the treatments is adding up. She is 25% of the way through the treatment plan. Sleep has been hard to come by for her. I would give up my right hand for her to get 8 hours of sleep tonight. She has lost some weight as her appetite isn't very good. I see a tray of special brownies in her future to help her have "the munchies." The saddest thing for me is that food simply doesn't taste very good to her. I offer her multiple entrees but nothing sounds good. I miss getting her emails at 9:30 in the morning asking me what's for dinner. If she wants a hot fudge sundae before bed, then I will head to the store to pick up whatever the heck she wants!
Most of the shows we tape on the DVR are about food, wine and travel. We may have to start watching movies on Netflix instead. Who wants to watch shows about food when food doesn't sound good? Reality has set in for me. My wife is very ill and although she is tough as nails, this sh*t is real! I cannot make her feel better with one of my famous soups or stews or with appetizer night or steaks. Brownies laced with a little something? I can do that...
The cumulative effect of the treatments is adding up. She is 25% of the way through the treatment plan. Sleep has been hard to come by for her. I would give up my right hand for her to get 8 hours of sleep tonight. She has lost some weight as her appetite isn't very good. I see a tray of special brownies in her future to help her have "the munchies." The saddest thing for me is that food simply doesn't taste very good to her. I offer her multiple entrees but nothing sounds good. I miss getting her emails at 9:30 in the morning asking me what's for dinner. If she wants a hot fudge sundae before bed, then I will head to the store to pick up whatever the heck she wants!
Most of the shows we tape on the DVR are about food, wine and travel. We may have to start watching movies on Netflix instead. Who wants to watch shows about food when food doesn't sound good? Reality has set in for me. My wife is very ill and although she is tough as nails, this sh*t is real! I cannot make her feel better with one of my famous soups or stews or with appetizer night or steaks. Brownies laced with a little something? I can do that...
Monday, April 20, 2015
Are you an anchor or a dead weight?
We spent the weekend in South Lake Tahoe with two great people. They, and many others, are anchors in our life. When we don't see them for a few months, we miss them. They are the same people we got to know and love twenty years ago. I hope we have them in our lives for twenty more! Everybody has anchors in their life. Someone that keeps you steady in rough times. Someone that is rock solid and helps you stay away from the rocks and shallow water. So I started thinking...yes... I do think about life sometimes! Am I an anchor to someone that I know? I think I am an anchor to Christina and others. Admittedly, I have broken down a few times since the diagnosis was official. But that's natural. I am not a robot. Just today, she emailed me and was upset that she is losing her hair from the chemotherapy treatments. I let her know that her feelings are natural and that cancer sucks. As do the side effects like hair loss. Wig time is upon us. And she is gonna rock it brothers and sisters!!
Are you an anchor for people in your life or are you a dead weight that drags people down below the surface? Do you call people to check in and cheer them up or do you call them to complain about your problems? What about your texts and emails? Do you send words of encouragement and advice or do you bitch about the challenges that life has thrown your way? How often do you send a funny joke to a friend or co-worker because you know that it will make them feel better? If you aren't sure of the answer, then you are probably a dead weight that is drowning someone with your B.S.. Eventually, they will cut the rope and let you sink to the bottom of the ocean. Life is tough enough. We don't need 100 lbs. of extra weight strapped to our feet. Trust me, if we have any dead weights during our breast cancer journey, I have a sharp knife. And I will cut the rope. Be an anchor to someone. And remember, we are blessed:)
Are you an anchor for people in your life or are you a dead weight that drags people down below the surface? Do you call people to check in and cheer them up or do you call them to complain about your problems? What about your texts and emails? Do you send words of encouragement and advice or do you bitch about the challenges that life has thrown your way? How often do you send a funny joke to a friend or co-worker because you know that it will make them feel better? If you aren't sure of the answer, then you are probably a dead weight that is drowning someone with your B.S.. Eventually, they will cut the rope and let you sink to the bottom of the ocean. Life is tough enough. We don't need 100 lbs. of extra weight strapped to our feet. Trust me, if we have any dead weights during our breast cancer journey, I have a sharp knife. And I will cut the rope. Be an anchor to someone. And remember, we are blessed:)
Saturday, April 18, 2015
I'm not the one with cancer...
I spent the last few days traveling for my job. I don't like travel. Unless there is an umbrella drink or coldie waiting at the end of my flight or drive. I put some serious miles on the car this week. I ate crappy "free" breakfasts at budget hotels followed by fast food lunches and mini mart sodas. It wasn't fun. Or very profitable. But in the back of my mind, I kept thinking "hey jack ass, I'm not the one with cancer." So eating shitty eggs and leathery sausage links at the Podunk Inn isn't so bad.
Christina's 3rd chemo session went well. She's a studette of epic proportions! I checked in with her via texts a few times from B.F.E. city, Oregon. I felt so damn guilty not being there or at least driving her home after the treatment. Her mother came over to be here when she got home from UCSF. That helped me sleep a little better on the zero thread count sheets in my suite. You know, the luxurious room that's situated 20 feet from I-5? Yeah, that one.
So while I was complaining and stopping at every other rest area to stretch my back, Christina was working on her laptop and getting injected with two kinds of poison-err... cancer drugs. So the next time you think you have it bad, why don't you head down to children's hospital and see little kids struggling to survive from a rare and deadly form of cancer. Or swing by the local infusion center to see people arriving and leaving. Some of them are going to be on the losing end of the cancer battle. Some of them, like Christina, are only at the first turn of the race and the checkered flag is months away. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and go eat some leathery pork (I think it was pork) and some cold lumps of egg (I hope it was egg). And then bow your head and thank the lord for everything you have in this life. You are blessed!
Christina's 3rd chemo session went well. She's a studette of epic proportions! I checked in with her via texts a few times from B.F.E. city, Oregon. I felt so damn guilty not being there or at least driving her home after the treatment. Her mother came over to be here when she got home from UCSF. That helped me sleep a little better on the zero thread count sheets in my suite. You know, the luxurious room that's situated 20 feet from I-5? Yeah, that one.
So while I was complaining and stopping at every other rest area to stretch my back, Christina was working on her laptop and getting injected with two kinds of poison-err... cancer drugs. So the next time you think you have it bad, why don't you head down to children's hospital and see little kids struggling to survive from a rare and deadly form of cancer. Or swing by the local infusion center to see people arriving and leaving. Some of them are going to be on the losing end of the cancer battle. Some of them, like Christina, are only at the first turn of the race and the checkered flag is months away. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and go eat some leathery pork (I think it was pork) and some cold lumps of egg (I hope it was egg). And then bow your head and thank the lord for everything you have in this life. You are blessed!
Monday, April 13, 2015
Opening Day-episode 16
Tomorrow, Christina and I will be at the SF Giants opening day game. It's special to us. This year, it will be even more special. Not only because she has breast cancer and life can be so damn finite. It's because of our circle of friends. We all have friends. Some are neighbors that we see almost every day mowing the lawn or grilling burgers on the 4th of July. Some date back to kindergarten, middle or high school. It doesn't matter how or where we met. It does matter that we DID meet!
The Giants circle of friends lost a great guy, Stu Spafford, in May of 2009. A fun loving guy who bled black and orange. He was a fixture to every opening day at Pac Bell, SBC (remember that?) and AT&T. I miss him and so does C. And many other good people. Speaking of good people, SK is one of the best. He had a big part in bringing Christina and I together. I won't bore you with the details, but he had my back. Period. And C loves him so much. I'm positive the feeling is mutual. When they get together, it's usually ugly but full of laughs. Laughs heal us. So if SK wants to be around every day, then it shall happen!!
One of Christina's primary goals was to be at opening day. She feared it would not happen or if it did, she would be wearing a wig. Well folks, she will be proudly displaying her natural god-given hair and that is something to cheer about! Someone else in her close circle is TE. We have known him for 20 years. Salt of the earth and extremely talented at making things. Wine, canned goods, and beer are just a few of things he excels at. I hate him. I don't really hate him but he possesses a gift that I could never learn in a thousand years. On second thought, I do hate him.
My best friend, CS, will be there tomorrow as he has been every opening day since 2000. I am a fan of the Giants. My first game was in 1970. My love of the Giants pales in comparison to his. He still reads box scores. He knows the team batting average and tons of other stats that very few care about anymore. It will be great to see him. He loves C and vice versa. He is preparing his specialty tomorrow in honor of her- Cajun prawns. They are epic!!
In the midst of all the beers and food we enjoy tomorrow, I will pause more than once and rejoice in the fact that we are blessed to enjoy events like opening day. That fact will never be lost on us again. Go Giants!!!!
God Bess you all,
Butch
The Giants circle of friends lost a great guy, Stu Spafford, in May of 2009. A fun loving guy who bled black and orange. He was a fixture to every opening day at Pac Bell, SBC (remember that?) and AT&T. I miss him and so does C. And many other good people. Speaking of good people, SK is one of the best. He had a big part in bringing Christina and I together. I won't bore you with the details, but he had my back. Period. And C loves him so much. I'm positive the feeling is mutual. When they get together, it's usually ugly but full of laughs. Laughs heal us. So if SK wants to be around every day, then it shall happen!!
One of Christina's primary goals was to be at opening day. She feared it would not happen or if it did, she would be wearing a wig. Well folks, she will be proudly displaying her natural god-given hair and that is something to cheer about! Someone else in her close circle is TE. We have known him for 20 years. Salt of the earth and extremely talented at making things. Wine, canned goods, and beer are just a few of things he excels at. I hate him. I don't really hate him but he possesses a gift that I could never learn in a thousand years. On second thought, I do hate him.
My best friend, CS, will be there tomorrow as he has been every opening day since 2000. I am a fan of the Giants. My first game was in 1970. My love of the Giants pales in comparison to his. He still reads box scores. He knows the team batting average and tons of other stats that very few care about anymore. It will be great to see him. He loves C and vice versa. He is preparing his specialty tomorrow in honor of her- Cajun prawns. They are epic!!
In the midst of all the beers and food we enjoy tomorrow, I will pause more than once and rejoice in the fact that we are blessed to enjoy events like opening day. That fact will never be lost on us again. Go Giants!!!!
God Bess you all,
Butch
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Can I have your autograph, Christina?
I sent Christina a quick note yesterday while she was at work. The subject line was "You." The email simply said "are my hero." I meant it. She responded and thank me and asked me why. "Because you are beautiful, strong and courageous." Here's a few other things that I need to say to her:
-Can I have your autograph, Christina?
-I don't want to lose you...ever!
-You make me laugh all the time because you are basically a dork
-You work so much harder than me and someday I will make it up to you
-I want to run with you in a 10K race later this year. Just don't beat me too badly.
-You look HOT in that new wig of yours!
-I feel like sh*t that I am missing your chemo appointment this coming week.
-Man, are we gonna have a party when the doctors tell us that you are cancer free! I can already feel the hangover:)
Her 2nd chemo treatment went well although there were all kinds of delays. She was better prepared for the pre-cancer infusion drugs that are steroids and Benadryl. The steroids freak her out and get her edgy. I am used to that feeling as I have been on them for 25 years..It sucks but for me and for her, it is life-saving sucky.
I ran into a husband of another cancer patient here. Christina has known him for years. Just like me, he comes to the chemo treatments to be with his wife. I really feel for those patients who have no visitors during the infusion. Even it is a short visit to drop off a bottle of water or tea for them. Or to hold their hand. Or to tell them that no matter what happens, it is going to be okay. Well, Christina won't have to worry about that!
She got more "cancer gifts" this week. I have THREE diseases. THREE! I don't get a cup of coffee and she gets lavished with gifts. It just isn't fair, dammit! I will, however, allow it for the next few months.
Her appetite is low but she is eating. there are a few other side effects but so far, she has done really well. Sleep? Ehhhh. That's been a little tough to come by these days. She craves spicy chicken wings daily but doesn't want me to barbq chicken or to buy a rotisserie variety either. At least she is not craving liver and onions. I might have to draw the line there.
Her hair will likely fall out in the next two to five weeks. She had her wig cut and styled by a specialist. It really looks good! I couldn't tell at first because it looked so natural. We are still trying to figure out how and where we will get the head shaved. That is something you tend to not think about unless you get cancer.
We both really appreciate all the love and support (and free stuff) that we have received over the past month. It means so much to us. We realize every day that we are blessed. Do you?
-Can I have your autograph, Christina?
-I don't want to lose you...ever!
-You make me laugh all the time because you are basically a dork
-You work so much harder than me and someday I will make it up to you
-I want to run with you in a 10K race later this year. Just don't beat me too badly.
-You look HOT in that new wig of yours!
-I feel like sh*t that I am missing your chemo appointment this coming week.
-Man, are we gonna have a party when the doctors tell us that you are cancer free! I can already feel the hangover:)
Her 2nd chemo treatment went well although there were all kinds of delays. She was better prepared for the pre-cancer infusion drugs that are steroids and Benadryl. The steroids freak her out and get her edgy. I am used to that feeling as I have been on them for 25 years..It sucks but for me and for her, it is life-saving sucky.
I ran into a husband of another cancer patient here. Christina has known him for years. Just like me, he comes to the chemo treatments to be with his wife. I really feel for those patients who have no visitors during the infusion. Even it is a short visit to drop off a bottle of water or tea for them. Or to hold their hand. Or to tell them that no matter what happens, it is going to be okay. Well, Christina won't have to worry about that!
She got more "cancer gifts" this week. I have THREE diseases. THREE! I don't get a cup of coffee and she gets lavished with gifts. It just isn't fair, dammit! I will, however, allow it for the next few months.
Her appetite is low but she is eating. there are a few other side effects but so far, she has done really well. Sleep? Ehhhh. That's been a little tough to come by these days. She craves spicy chicken wings daily but doesn't want me to barbq chicken or to buy a rotisserie variety either. At least she is not craving liver and onions. I might have to draw the line there.
Her hair will likely fall out in the next two to five weeks. She had her wig cut and styled by a specialist. It really looks good! I couldn't tell at first because it looked so natural. We are still trying to figure out how and where we will get the head shaved. That is something you tend to not think about unless you get cancer.
We both really appreciate all the love and support (and free stuff) that we have received over the past month. It means so much to us. We realize every day that we are blessed. Do you?
Monday, April 6, 2015
Quit stewing and start doing
It was a great weekend! For the most part, Christina handled the 1st round of chemo very well. In fact, she ran 8 miles yesterday. Twice. On Friday, we hosted her family at the Giants-A's preseason game. We awoke Saturday with a few things on our to-do list. We tossed it and instead took two of our mutts to Carmel Beach. Why? Because we had talked about it for years but had never done it. Our oldest dog, Jojo is slowing down and we wanted her to enjoy doggie heaven before she actually goes to doggie heaven. She did. It was like drinking from the fountain of youth for her. Tons of dogs-big and small-running, playing and barking. It was awesome. For all of us.
We almost didn't go. There were lots of excuses why we shouldn't do it: "we need to clean the house" or "it's a two hour drive away." In the end, I decided to pull the trigger. I know there will be a time when Christina won't be able to do much at all. I could have told her that we should stay closer to home. She would have not put up much of a fight and that would be that.
Battling cancer makes you cut through all the BS in your life and focus on what you really want. Like Carmel Beach. And running. Cancer also helps you let go of all the crap that you have been clinging to even though you don't need it. It also clarifies who is important in your life. And who needs to take a back seat for awhile. Or not get in the car at all. For now, it is Christina's trip and she is in the driver's seat. I cannot wait for our next adventure.
We almost didn't go. There were lots of excuses why we shouldn't do it: "we need to clean the house" or "it's a two hour drive away." In the end, I decided to pull the trigger. I know there will be a time when Christina won't be able to do much at all. I could have told her that we should stay closer to home. She would have not put up much of a fight and that would be that.
Battling cancer makes you cut through all the BS in your life and focus on what you really want. Like Carmel Beach. And running. Cancer also helps you let go of all the crap that you have been clinging to even though you don't need it. It also clarifies who is important in your life. And who needs to take a back seat for awhile. Or not get in the car at all. For now, it is Christina's trip and she is in the driver's seat. I cannot wait for our next adventure.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Chemo treatment #1 in the books!
Just thought I would send a quick note out. Christina handled the 1st chemo session very well. Two different drugs administered to her. The staff is really friendly. Sadly, the infusion area where this occurs is always packed. She rested last night and is on the treadmill in the garage as we speak. She is a stud! I took a couple photos yesterday to show you how beautiful and brave she is. Smile and laugh-you are blessed!:)
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
D-Day
Christina starts chemotherapy this morning at 8:30. It's her D-Day. The doctors have tested, probed and analyzed her for nearly two months. It's go time! I would like to say that we both slept great and we are not worried. That would be a lie. Two of her close friends and I went wig shopping yesterday in SF. That wasn't on my bucket list going into 2015. Lingerie shopping with her? Yep. Wig shopping? Not so much.
The staff at UCSF has been amazing to her. Lots of communication from nurses, her oncologist and the head of the cancer research center. It helps. Her first treatment includes a cocktail of drugs including a very strong one. The plan is to adjust the cocktail each session to see which blend works best at killing the cells. I was hoping that she got the IPA blend with a hint of 18 year old scotch. Doubtful.
Just as the old saying goes "there are no atheist in a fox hole," I don't believe there are many of them going through cancer treatment either. When you get the news, all the B.S. in your life is pushed aside. There's no time for it. The boys on Omaha Beach had one objective on June 6th, 1944. Get off the beach alive. We also have a singular focus. Get rid of this cancer forever! The ramps are coming down in a few hours. Wish us luck, pray for her health and we'll see you all inland someday:)
The staff at UCSF has been amazing to her. Lots of communication from nurses, her oncologist and the head of the cancer research center. It helps. Her first treatment includes a cocktail of drugs including a very strong one. The plan is to adjust the cocktail each session to see which blend works best at killing the cells. I was hoping that she got the IPA blend with a hint of 18 year old scotch. Doubtful.
Just as the old saying goes "there are no atheist in a fox hole," I don't believe there are many of them going through cancer treatment either. When you get the news, all the B.S. in your life is pushed aside. There's no time for it. The boys on Omaha Beach had one objective on June 6th, 1944. Get off the beach alive. We also have a singular focus. Get rid of this cancer forever! The ramps are coming down in a few hours. Wish us luck, pray for her health and we'll see you all inland someday:)
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