Confession

-I am sorry that you have cancer instead of me
-I am sorry that you don't feel important and special every day and every night when you are with me. You should!
-Forgive me for not being the best husband to you every day since Feb 26th, 2000.
-I am sorry that I leave your bathroom door open and Zekey gets in there and creates mayhem
-I am sorry that I leave cabinet drawers open in the kitchen because I know it bugs you
-I am sorry that you have to go through hell with chemotherapy and probably surgery before you feel better. It sucks.. And I can't change that. Sorry again for not being able to help on that...
-I am sorry that I am not in great physical shape and that I cannot run with you. I think it would be really fun.
-I hate the fact that I can barely hammer a nail and that I am not handy around the house.
-I wish my gift giving skills were better. They fall way short of acceptable.
-I'm sorry that I have to travel while you are home alone after your chemo treatments.
-I'm glad that we are together and you are nearly 2/3 done with the first round of infusions.
-I wish I took better better pictures like you. My head is just too damn big. So are my teeth. Sorry luv:)

Life is Neutral

I heard about a book that was written several years ago by a British soldier during WWII. He had escaped into the jungle to hide from the invading Japanese army. It was titled "The Jungle is Neutral." The soldier had heard all kinds of stories about the jungle before he ended up living there for two years. Poisonous snakes,spiders and plants were waiting for him. He also heard the opposite: that the jungle was a tropical paradise full of clean fresh water, fruits and beauty unlike anything he had ever seen. Which was true? Well...actually they both were. In the end (spoiler alert), he lives and realizes that the jungle contains all of what he had heard. It was a lush paradise and it did also have lots of nasty critters. I think life is like that, too.

We all have our personal struggles in life. I also know that all of us have experienced immense pain and loss in our lives. I am not denying that sometimes life just isn't fun. In fact, it can suck big time! Like right now for Christina. She finished her sixth of sixteen chemo treatments on Wednesday. Being infused with cancer killing drugs that make you sick isn't something you look forward to when you wake up in the morning. The weight loss and other side effects are definitely not like winning the lottery. But what about the good stuff? Like the nurses and staff at UCSF that have shown her so much love and compassion. They have been incredible and have lifted a mighty weight off of us with their care. What about the angelic cousin that I met with yesterday in Stockton that proved once again that God is great? Don't tell me that life isn't fair and there is so much pain out there. I don't want to hear it brothers and sisters. Goodness, glory, smiles and laughter are always close by. Take off your "Blue Blocker" sunglasses and feel the warmth of the sunlight in your life. Even on the cloudiest days, like when your beautiful wife has breast cancer, the sun is shining bright above. You just need to poke your head through and catch some rays. And put on some sun block!:)

Our time together

I hope everyone has someone that they enjoy being around as much as I do Christina. Our time together makes all the bad stuff happening fade away, if only for a little while. Today is chemo treatment #6. The cumulative effects of the drugs are adding up. She rarely complains. She's a stud. I feel like I have been in a head on collision two days after I play golf. Her? She goes out for a 7 plus mile run AFTER work and comes back with a smile on her face. I could never make her as happy as she is when she is out running. I'm okay with that. It makes her complete and clears her mind like an eraser. I don't have an activity currently that has the same effect. I need one.

We miss Hawaii and will definitely go back when she is healed. We have had so many great times there. Mostly on the windward side of Oahu in Kailua and Lanikai and also on Maui. It's usually just the two of us but sometimes friends or families come along. We feel comfortable near the water and she loves running in the warm, damp climate. I can't wait to get back there. For now, we can look at photos or remember the scenery in the best camera of all: our minds!

Whether it's Tahoe, Carmel, Paso Robles or other great spots that we have been to, we always seem to find ourselves laughing and smiling most of the time. Those are all locked away on the hard drive in my head. Unlike Hillary's emails, that server isn't going to be deleted forever...I look forward to many, many more.

I want to thank all the people in our life that have reached out to her and I over the past couple months. Your prayers and words of encouragement have meant so much. It really does feel like we have a stadium of fans rooting for Christina's complete recovery. You play better before a packed house. Christina is on the mound and is going to dominate cancer. I guarantee a shutout. Christina-1  Cancer- 0!!

What do you say?

-What do you say to friends when they ask how you're doing?
-You tell them you are fine and that things are going to be okay even if you aren't sure.

-What do you tell your wife of 15 years when she says she is ugly and looks bad?
-You smile and tell her she is beautiful (and you know and believe it with all of your heart)

-What do you say to co-workers when they really like your "new" hairstyle?
-You go along with it and don't make them feel uncomfortable that you are wearing a wig.

-What do say to God, who you believe in?
-"I am pissed and I am angry and  I don't don't understand why this has happened to my wife. You owe us."

-What do you say to Christina's doctors at UCSF?
-I have faith in you but don't f*ck this up.

-What do you say to the many people who have reached out to Christina and myself?
-I say...May God and his mercy bless you all with everlasting peace in His kingdom.

-What do you say to people who ask "where are you going this year on vacation?"
-You tell them that we haven't made up our mind yet. The truth is we may not go on any vacations for awhile but that we will gladly give up all of them up to be healthy again, wouldn't you?

-What do you say to Christina's family who is sooo very concerned about her?
-You tell them that you are doing everything you can to make her feel better and that she is loved every minute of every day. You tell them that you appreciate their concerns and messages of love.  And that sometimes, you feel worthless. Oh yeah.. and F*CK cancer!!! That's what you say...

Embrace "the suck"

Okay, I stole this line from Commander Mark Divine, a former Navy SEAL. But it's true. We do need to sack up and take some crap in our lives every once in a while. Like today, Monday. It sucks to leave Christina when she has cancer. Even if it is just one day. But I currently don't have another viable option. So I have to embrace the fact that I won't be home tonight to cook her dinner. And then I have to move on and suck it up.

One of Christina's friends who also had breast cancer told her that it sucks. That you need to admit that it sucks and not sugar coat it. She's right!You cannot pretend that it isn't a bad thing. You don't have to fall apart and curl up into a little ball, either. Just admit to yourself that it sucks. Deal with the current issue at hand (side effects of chemotherapy, loss of hair etc.) and move on to the next obstacle.

So I am headed out the door and won't be able to take care of her tonight. It will be fine. I just wish I didn't have to embrace the suck in Fresno because that place...well.... really sucks!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

Christina decided to shave her head as the chemo treatments were taking their toll on her hair. More and more hair was falling out each day. It was a little emotional and that's understandable. We never thought that we would have the same hair style. Never! We finish each other sentences and have lots in common. Hair styles? Nope. She took her first run with the short hair and a ball cap on. She said it felt great.

Hair can be an important part of how we see ourselves or others view us. Think of Donald Trump and his crazy wavy comb over hairdo is one of the first things you think about. Other than Sinead O'Connor, can you name a woman who chose to shave their head? Men just have it easier when it comes to bad hair or no hair at all. It's not fair but it is a reality.

She named her wig "Felicia" and we will definitely have a "Bye Felicia" Party when she gets to retire it in a couple years. If you think about all the things that have happened to Christina and what still lies ahead, it can be overwhelming. We talked about and agreed that we can only deal with the present. One step/day at a time. She's shown so much courage throughout this mess. And beauty. And grace. So now she will just show a little more scalp and be even more beautiful than ever...

This sh*t is real!

Christina did well with her 4th chemo treatment on Wednesday. She was able to host some vendors yesterday at AT&T Park during the Giants-Dodgers game. Being able to attend is a big thing to her. She is trying to keep her life as normal as possible. Work is such an integral part of who she is as a person. It always has been. She kept multiple jobs through college at UC Davis and does the equivalent of two person's workload at her current employer. Very few complaints along the way.

The cumulative effect of the treatments is adding up. She is 25% of the way through the treatment plan. Sleep has been hard to come by for her. I would give up my right hand for her to get 8 hours of sleep tonight. She has lost some weight as her appetite isn't very good. I see a tray of special brownies in her future to help her have "the munchies." The saddest thing for me is that food simply doesn't taste very good to her. I offer her multiple entrees but nothing sounds good. I miss getting her emails at 9:30 in the morning asking me what's for dinner. If she wants a hot fudge sundae before bed, then I will head to the store to pick up whatever the heck she wants!

Most of the shows we tape on the DVR are about food, wine and travel. We may have to start watching movies on Netflix instead. Who wants to watch shows about food when food doesn't sound good? Reality has set in for me. My wife is very ill and although she is tough as nails, this sh*t is real! I  cannot make her feel better with one of my famous soups or stews or with appetizer night or steaks. Brownies laced with a little something? I can do that...